09.04.09
Posted in Journal at 11:42 pm by kat
As I type this, I marvel, in a small way, at technology, that I work with every day – since I am sitting in my car, under a full moon, by the glow of my laptop – using my silly little Sprint mobile broadband to connect. We may not be in a world of flying cars – yet – but things like this, well, I know even my parents don’t understand much of it for they grew up in a different time…
I was thinking about that today, as I drove all over much of Illinois, about my parents, and the lives they have led. They have been married just over 60 years and grew up in a time I can’t even begin to understand. They lived through the great depression, and a world war that almost destroyed us. And yet I remember the day my father and mother and I all watched as we landed on the moon. We lived in Hawaii then, and I will never forget riding along side the quarantine vehicle on my bike, when the astronauts returned..
My mother once shared with me a small part of her childhood – when words did not hurt or kill the way they do now. I mean today, if you are hanging out with friends and are joking around, you might call them an idiot, moron, jerk and so many other things – all in jest, of a friend – but trying to get your point across. Well, my mother once told me of how the “n” word was the same way. She and her friends, – black, white, brown and all other colors, would play, and just in jest, call each other names like that, or “white trash” and other things.. Sure, some people may not think “white trash” is neither as bad as the “n” word, but you did not grow up in the 1930s playing in the playground wondering how you would get through the next day. (think about what it was like being a child in the great depression?)
I can’t even begin to understand what my parents went through. Depression, war after war, bigotry, riots, and racism that makes today look like a cocktail party.. I even remember, long before I came out to my family, how my father used to make “gay” jokes, limp wristed and all, not knowing who his child would turn out to be.
I was in the Bay Area when Harvey Milk was killed – I was just 17 and really had not come to grips with anything yet and still did not understand who he was. Heck, at 16, 17 and 18, at least back then, all you wanted to do was go out, party and have fun – oh yeah, same as today. But seriously, I just did not understand it all.
I guess I never thought I would turn into my mother – saying things like “when I was younger…” and other such silliness, and yet, I have. I look back, thinking about the “zack morris” cell phones that I used when I was working in the fledgling computer industry, or the Arpanet – long before the Internet – and computer screens that were round – I remember it all.. I miss it, and yet it reminds me of the time I was riding down the street in Walnut Creek – just outside of San Francisco – cruising like we used to do, with one of my best friends who was black sitting next to me – and some jackass in the car next to us made some racist remark and I yelled back. My friend grabbed me and said, “Are you trying to get us killed!?”
I think back now and those same times of the racist people then and those who judge the gay community now. There is no difference. They are ignorant and foolish. And yet at the same time, I think of how my mother was raised and they did not even understand what all that was – since her friend were black or white or brown – they didn’t care, and the words they used, just like so many words used by children, t hey really did not even understand them. They were not words of hatred or anger, but of silliness that children speak of to each other. Words never spoken in anger or hatred, but in games that most of the time were forgotten a few hours later.
I was yelled at today – a word that compares to the “N” word – but they just added “lesbian” in front of the “C” word. It was supposed to make me angry or hurt me in some way. And on the same day I received an email from NOM about the fact that they have placed “marriage” on the ballet in Vermont. (or Maine – I deleted it now…) All I could think of was the hatred that filled the hearts and souls of these people. The ones who called me names and the ones who say I have no right to marry (or live in some cases). I wonder if they understand truly, the hatred and bigotry they attempt to spread? And yet, just as my mother and father, I sit here and think, “they have nothing but words – words that they believe hurt – not true weapons – unless I give them power over me, and I don’t.”
The words they spew – the hatred, the judgment, and beyond, I give no power to. I guess sometimes I just think they don’t understand. They are not better than me – or worse. They are not right or wrong, they are simply mistaken and confused. Someday they will realize that. And at the same time they might even realize that judging me for simply being me – is wrong.
I don’t hate them. I can’t – my parents raised me not to hate. Sure, I pity them. I pity them for not even trying to understand someone different from themselves. But at the same time, I am tired. I am tired of being judged and being called names. I am tired of people wanting to “cure” me. I am tired of reading about another member of the LGBT community being found dead some place in this country. I am tired of the ignorance and those who still cling to the “gay panic defense” as their excuse – that they were afraid they might be hit on by the gay person they murdered.
Someday – perhaps even in my lifetime, people will stop hating and judging others. Maybe we can go back to my parents childhood when words were just words and did not evoke anger, hatred, wars and worse.
I will close this, as I continue to sit under this beautiful moon, the top down and I count my blessings, but at the same time, I am crying – for all the anger, hatred, bigotry and violence in this world.. Maybe I have turned into my mother who says to me, “It is not my fight anymore, I just don’t have it left in me – it has to be yours..” Maybe, it is time for others to stand up, because honestly, I have other things I need to fight, the least of which is my health…
peace, love and light
Namaste
Kat
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08.18.09
Posted in Journal at 9:47 am by kat
Over the past couple of years I have been fighting a horrible thing that we call cancer. Most of you who know me, know a bit about it. I have not been very open. Not many people are about this.
Recently I got good news – that my battle has taken a turn for the better. It seems a lot of “experimental” (another word for “insurance company does not have to pay” *sigh*) and alternative health care has made a difference. Am I cured? No. But the difference is going to be seen more and more in my outlook on life.
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In the coming weeks and months I am going to start writing a bit more about what I have been through and continue to deal with. I will look back at my written journal and may even bring some of those out. The despair and depression I hid from you all. (trust me, it was and is sometimes still there…)
Why am I doing this? Maybe – just maybe, it will help someone else.
I am not perfect – I am not a role model – I am not someone to look up to or any other cliche’ you can think of. I am me. I get up, go to work and just do the things I love to do. I do know that for just over 2 years it has been just a little harder. Now, perhaps in my own little way, I might be able to help someone else going through something similar.
One little excerpt from my journal last year, back when Tony Snow, George W’s Press Secretary was diagnosed with colon cancer and then later passed away… This is from the night he passed:
“Tony passed away yesterday. God, it seems like yesterday I remember him stepping up and saying he had colon cancer. He went on a few talk shows, but for the most part he stayed with his family. I do remember some of the best ‘Daily Shows’ were when Tony was on. He may have worked for Bush, but he was a genuine person and I always loved how Jon and he got along. And yet now he is gone. I even remember almost meeting him the first time after 9/11. Everyone was so rushed though, and I heard someone say, ‘yeah, there is Tony,’ and that was about it as he walked out another door. I would not have said anything, but what if I had known then that he would have been diagnosed, would I have said something? It is so hard talking to people and yet that is what he did – he talked to everyone. 
I hate pity and I know that is what would happen…
Why am I still here? I don’t get it. I ask myself almost every day. He had a family, and kids and I am pretty much on my own – there is no reason for it. I got drunk after I heard about it. Yeah, I know, not the smartest thing, but sometimes I can’t deal with this anymore. It seems like every day I look at the news I read or hear about someone else being diagnose. And each time is the same thing – what the hell am I doing here. The answer is simple – I am afraid – I simply can not fathom what it would do to my family. So many times I wanted to give up – as they keep telling me crap and I am sick to death of the doctors – ha ha – that is funny.”
I doubt this really helps anyone, but you never know and for now, I guess it is time to put some of the things I have been dealing with out there – especially since things are looking just a bit brighter.
peace, love and light
Kat
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08.13.09
Posted in Journal at 10:43 pm by kat
Three weeks ago tonight I was getting ready for chemo the next day. It would be a busy day as I also had a photo shoot for the Point Foundation that evening. It is what I do – every couple of weeks. But I also knew I would be seeing a wonderful woman – someone I had only met 6 months before. And that made things just a little better.
Six months ago Emily walked into our chemo class and introduced herself. She said she had heard I did readings for the nurses and other patients and was wondering if I might do a reading for her. She was such a beautiful woman – with striking eyes and a beautiful smile that lit up a room the minute she entered. She had stage 4 ovarian Cancer. You wouldn’t have known it.
We talked and of course I agreed to do her reading. It seems there was a guy she was interested in. The funny thing was, I got a name during the reading and when I said it, she smiled and said, “That is my ex..” I told her it was not over and he would be coming back. She was confused and said he had broken up with her and she was still not over him. Apparently he let his fear of her illness get to him. I told her that I understood for it was only a year before I broke up with Julie – or perhaps she broke up with me – I still don’t know – because we were both sick. Fear does things to you..
We talked for 3 hours – and got to know more of each other. She told me that she never allowed her friends or family to come with her to the clinic. I agreed. We both hide things from our friends and family – but we have our reasons. There is just something about how people treat you after they see you hooked up to tubes and machines and such. Gawd forbid if you have a port in your chest – then it is even worse. It is funny though how we both had so much in common, and had known each other for only a few hours. I had not laughed that hard since being with Julie close to a year ago. We even agreed to meet for brunch at Magnolia Cafe the first chance we got..
Emily called a few days later to set up the brunch date and to tell me her ex called, and without going into details, he had pulled out all the stops during his apology. They were going out Saturday and we would have brunch the next day to discuss it all.. They did get back together.
We spent the next few months hanging out when we could – she lived in the burbs and my schedule, well you know. But we always saw each other every two weeks – sitting in a clinic with tubes stuck in us.
I will go to chemo by myself in the morning. Emily passed away in her sleep yesterday.
I had some good news that brought happiness to my life these past few days. I shared it with many of my friends, and yet now, I just don’t care anymore. The most beautiful souls in the world continue to leave us. Life is not fair – in any way – and it may sound like a stupid cliche’, but it is the truth.
I will miss you Em…
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07.25.09
Posted in Journal at 9:09 pm by kat
Many of my friends know that one of my favorite sayings is, “Life is what it is…” I don’t know why. It is really pretty simple and implies not much of anything. It is not prophetic or life altering – well, maybe it is to me.
I have been dealing with “C” for sometime now, and for those who do not know, I was diagnosed as terminal just about 2 years ago. This is not about the diagnosis, other than to say, well, doctors are not always right and I plan on doing everything I can to prove them wrong. No, instead this note is about my life and the people that surround me.
I am blessed. I am surrounded by amazing family and friends and that circle just keeps growing.
You know, my mother and father, both of whom are still here and celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary earlier this year, they always ask me what I want to be when I grow up – yes still. I don’t know what i want to be, but I do know that my purpose in life, at least in my eyes, is to “make a difference”. If I can bring a smile to someone or help someone out, or opens someones eyes to an injustice.. Or… I mean, I just want to make a difference in this world.
Lately, my illness, which takes ups and downs, has been on a down(er). I struggle with side effects and other issues lately, and yet, every time I turn around, there is another friend or family member offering to help or come to my aide. I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but this is a personal thank you to all of you!!!
One thing I do want to share however, is regardless of all this, please (please) don’t think of me differently when you see me. For the longest time I hid my illness. Why? Simple – I hate pity. Only 3 people have been to chemo with me – sadly, one of those three has passed herself.. But one thing about all of that was that those three people treated me very differently after they saw me hooked up to tubes. Recently, when I started sharing a bit more of what I am dealing with on FB – well, when people see me, it seems that there was a bit more “concern” for how I was doing when I would see people in public.
I am not sure that this is coming across in the right way – I am not ungrateful, I am simply saying, “life is what it is,” and I have been dealt this hand – there is no need to think of my any differently than you would otherwise. I am still an obnoxious pain in the rear 
– well, ok, maybe not, or at least I hope not. I am simply saying, I love you all – each and every person who has entered and touched my life these past 3.5 years I have lived in Chicago, and that is what I want you all to think of.
My father has been through 5 cancers – yes 5 and is still alive. One of which was breast cancer, which even has a funny story I will share another time. But yes, 10% of cancers in men is breast cancer – he had a partial mastectomy… But he is tough – he is still here and at 84 years old! My mother has had several heart attacks, but she is still here. My brother had a heart attack at 43, but still here and in fact flat lined for 2 minutes. My family is tough – I am tough – keep that in mind. I am not giving up, and don’t plan on it. Yes, it has gotten a bit tough these past 2 months, but who knows, in another month, it could go back up again, or sideways for that matter.
I am not done making a difference and making my mark on this world. I am not going anywhere. Besides, with all these amazing people in my life, I have a few favors to repay!
SO, what am I trying to say in this silly note? Well, the title says it all. I am blessed. I have people in my life willing to do anything, and I honestly don’t know what I did to deserve that, but thank you. Thank you to my family who has been through through everything. Oh, and a side note – don’t lie to your mother abotu your health – she *knows* what is going on, regardless – more times than once.. (I need to blog about that too..)
Funny.. I started writing this and the migraine was killing me, and I am a bit exhausted from a long wedding today – I am on my way to Devon Uncommon Ground to run a show, but you know what – after typing all this, the migraine is fading and I am looking forward to a wonderful show of Spanish guitars and Flamenco dancing by a fantastic group! (Idilio)..
Thank you ALL for all you share with me – your friendship and love, and just know, I am always here for you too!
Oh and remember, “Life is what it is…” – which simply means, *YOU* are the one in control and don’t let anyone tell you differently..
Peace, love and light
Kat
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07.07.09
Posted in Journal at 8:10 pm by kat
I should be working – there is so much to do here and we are behind and it is only Tuesday.. Ahh…
I need a breather – a moment to just veg, and if you know me, you know I write when I veg (or meditate, but people at work stare at me funny when I am sitting on the floor humming..)
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Why is this world so bent on war and empire building? Whatever happened to the peace movement? So much of my life I have believed in the Star Trek Utopia of an Earth that has little or no war, no one is wanting for anything and we live, for the most part – in peace. It seems that the second half of my life this world has been in a constant state of war and I just don’t understand. Is this what Capitalism is all about? We build more war machines in order to conquer more? And for what? Oil? I just don’t understand, and in a way, I am glad I don’t.
I was raised in a military family. My father fought in WWII (the end) and Korea and Vietnam and the Cold War. He, just like my mother, are the role models I look to, to be who I am. But my father never liked war – he did it because he wanted to protect us – not attack others – and there is a difference.
What has this to do with anything especially since I am right in the middle of the Open Mic Finals at Uncommon Ground? Well, last night, musicians of every color, gender, race, height, width, you name it – they were there. They all came together in a room for one purpose, to share music. There was more color and diversity in that one single room than many people see in a lifetime. I wonder how many religions were in the room too? And yet as I sit here writing this – I realize it was not until I got in the cab when it was all over that I even thought about it. I know I did not care – but I started wondering about why we have war and then I thought of the people in the room and then the colors and diversity came to mind. I know John Lennon wrote this a long time ago – “Imagine” – and yet it is still something I think of – often. Imagine no religion, no war, no borders! Even something as simple as the astronauts looking down from space and realizing there are no lines – no borders separating the countries and the people – so why can’t we do that for real?
I have traveled a huge part of this world – and met so many people. Cultures, races, religions, you name it – I have most likely met them. I have yet to meet anyone I did not like. Honestly – I guess I am related to Will Rogers. Imagine if everyone in the world had to meet everyone else – like a huge wedding receiving line or something – I doubt anyone would want to kill anyone else. Heck, they would be too busy shaking hands or hugging or kissing to be able to pick up a weapon.
Each night, mostly late in the evening of course – when I go home, I close my eyes, put on some meditation music (which could be anything for me) and I go into my world – my world of peace and utopia. I think of my family and friends and all the people I love. I visualize the world – the animals and all the “beings” I met in the past 24 hours. Each one of them unique and unforgettable – each one special in some way. This is how I am able to fall asleep so deeply in such a short time. This is why 4 hours of sleep is all I need – because I make peace with the universe each and every night.
I need to get back to work – but if there is a chance you might be a world leader and you are reading my simple little blog – how about you give my technique a try. Before you go to sleep tonight – put on some music – because honestly, this world would be a horrible place without music – and close your eyes. Think of everyone that crossed your path today and think of them only in a positive way – regardless of what they might have been doing at the time you met them. Or better yet, think of yourself as floating over the countries of the world – and try – hard – to see the lines – the borders – and when you realize they don’t really exist, let yourself fall asleep – and you will awake, rested and with a new realization of peace in your life.
Give it a try – and let’s all hope it is contagious!
Peace, love and light
Kat
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03.03.09
Posted in Journal at 7:00 am by kat
I don’t even know where to begin. So much has gone on in the past 24-48 hours to remind me of mortality.
Many of you know I am dealing with cancer. Not much to do about it – I was told I was terminal just about 2 years ago (colon and liver). But I have fought it and continue to do so with experimental treatments which seem to be working. It does not cure me, at least not yet, but it keeps things in check, and honestly, what more can I ask for. Tumors are not growing, but they are not shrinking either. And really, if that is the case, and it stays like that forever, I can live with it. The key word here is LIVE! I will *NOT* let this illness beat me.
What people don’t know is that I also have this little affliction called ITP – (http://www.pdsa.org) and well, to put it simply, I bleed. So it complicates my life. I deal with it as well. It is what I must do. I am not going anyplace any time
soon – sorry, you are stuck with me. ;-p
Last night I was heading out to the Double Door to see some friends of mine perform and then the fun began. I will leave out much of the messy details, but let’s just say there was blood involved and I was sitting in it. Ewww. (ok, you should be smiling now – I am – you have to make light of this, or it wins!) I knew what to do. I went to the Emergency Room and they put me on IV-IG for the night which keeps things in check. I have put this off a bit too long, and well, I refuse to take one of the meds they want me on – prednisone. which is a nasty
corticosteroid that, in many ways, can be worse than chemo. Which is one of the reasons I refuse to take it. Because of my refusal, I have other issues to deal with and last night it came to a head.
So why am I sharing all this? I met a woman last night who was also in the emergency room waiting. She had bruises and blood and was crying and there was no one with her. I did not understand it. I started to talk to her as we waited. Because there was bruising, but not obvious gushing of blood, she had to wait. It took a while. She finally opened up and admitted she had been beaten and was afraid of what her options were. I was stunned and speechless. This kind of stuff happens in movies, not in my life. I had my own issues to deal with – or so I
thought.
We talked more and I called over a nurse to explain more. She asked the woman if indeed she had been beaten. She said NO! She said she fell down some stairs on snow/ice and that is what happened. The nurse left. I continued to look at her and wondered why she would not speak up. There were places she could go. Why was she not saying anything?
I pretty much hate emergency rooms, mostly because if you are not having a heart attack or bleeding from massive injuries, you wait. It gave us more time to talk. I began to realize that “coming out” in the LGBT community has a lot of similarities in other parts of life. Why? She was terrified of her family and what they would say/think if they knew that the man she was with – a long time friend of the family – had hit her. She had tried to tell her mother once, even with a black eye, and her mother told her she was mistaken and this could not be the case.
For a brief moment I thought back to how I came out to my family. How afraid I was – being from a military family and knowing how strict my parents were (but loving). Was this the same thing? No, but the fear in many other families for the LGBT community is the same – for there are parents who would beat or throw their children from their home for no fault of their own. I was stunned.
The nurse came for me. I told them to take her first. They said they could not. I said I would leave and go someplace else – that they needed to take her. It was a bit more complicated than that, but I did convince them to take her. This was all so crazy. She asked me to go with her. How could I refuse.
They treated her. She stuck to her story. I kept looking at her and wondering what to do. It was not something I had planned for this evening. The nurse came in for me at this time. Said I needed to go if I wanted to be treated. By now I was dizzy and needed to be treated. I would be no help to anyone if was unconscious. I went with her. But before that, I asked if this woman (I am leaving her name off for obvious reasons) could come see me. The nurse said it would be OK and
they would tell her where I was, although it was after visiting hours, because she too was being treated, she would allow it (I was being admitted). This was the same nurse who I had told of her being beaten, so I think she believed it, but she knew she could not force the issue. There was a lot of emotion this night.
I have rambled a lot. I am not sure what I want to say. Yes, I spent the night in the hospital, something I have done in the past, and all I could think of was this woman. She came to see me – the nurse brought her. And just to put you all at ease – there is a semi-happy ending to all this. We talked for another hour or so before the meds they gave me were knocking me out – and well, long story short (too late) – she admitted to the nurse what had happened and the last bit of the
conversation I was involved with was that they were getting her to a shelter and going to help her.
I will not lose touch with her, I already spoke to her this morning and she is safe. She has a lot to deal with and I am hoping she will get through this. She told me she was able to convince her sister and she was coming to her and would not tell the parents.
I don’t know where this will lead. I have heard many people throughout life say “Things happen for a reason.” Last night, I bled out for a reason. I needed to be in this emergency room. If only to be someone she could talk to.
I hate hospitals. I hate being sick. I push myself constantly because I love my LIFE – and that is why I do what I do. I am supposed to slow down – I refuse. I am not a model for anyone, I am simply a friend to some. I doubt I am doing all the right things to deal with my own health correctly, but I refuse to see anyone go through what she went through without trying to help. How many others are there out there – straight or gay, who are dealing with this kind of pain? And I guess
even more, how many are there in the LGBT community must deal with this on a regular basis? My heart goes out to anyone who has to deal with any of this.
Ironically, I just got my latest “Weekly HRC” updates – titled “Living in fear because of who you are..” Ok, now I am really weirded out!
I made a new friend last night. I spent another night in a stupid hospital with tubes coming out of me. I am mortal. I will die someday. All I hope is that it will not be at the hands of another person. She is not reading this, but my love is surrounding you *L* – and you will get through this! And when you told me I would too – I believed you.
Namaste to all those in my life, my family and friends.. I love you all.
Kat
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01.01.09
Posted in Journal at 8:50 am by kat
So 2009 is upon is. I ran around and took pictures at local events all night. I talked to friends. I listened to it all. I thought about this past year then I wondered, “Why do so many people think today will change everything, I mean it is just another 24 hour period?”
I was asked by her sister to take down Julie’s myspace page today. I did, but saved everything. Emails from friends and so much more. Things she never got to read while she was in the hospital the last month. I am putting it all in a book – with her photo on the front – her blogs, her messages, her life. At least what it was the last year or so.
Julie never got to see the new year. I miss her a lot. And yet it made me think of the line I first heard on “House” – “Dying is easy, living is hard.”
He said that to Wilson after Amber died. I thought about it then and realized last night just how true it is. So many times I wanted to give up myself – to just stop all the meds and treatments. It would be so easy to just let go. I know that fighting is hard. I know it from myself and from the fight that this beautiful woman had to go through.
All around the world, it is 2009. All around the world people are hoping for changes in all they do – for the better. And yet wars continue to rage on. More people are being killed over land or religion or whatever. I just don’t understand sometimes and I realize that this saying fits here too. It is so easy for enemies to simply kill each other over their squabbles – no matter have real or imagined they may be. But actually trying to work through them – to find peace between enemies, to live side by side – *THAT* is hard!
Too often the human race takes the easy way out. All throughout history we have opted to make it easier. Who wouldn’t – I mean it is in our nature to do things the easy way when presented with a problem, right? I am just as guilty and perhaps more so in my own life. I work in computers by day and I have done a lot to make my job easier by automating all the things that would be repetitive or mundane. Would you blame me?
In the Mideast they continue to kill each other. People all over, from Iraq and Afghanistan to Pakistan and India and now Israel and Hamas and who knows where else. I mean I can’t keep track of it all.
Death – killing each other is so much easier than trying to work out the problems. It is quick and painless. Painless for the person doing the killing that is. I mean think about it – the people in the airplanes dropping the bombs or launching the missiles and rockets – they go home for dinner when they are done. Do they see what they have caused? And yet I don’t blame them – I can’t. I can’t blame anyone, since we all simply choose the easy way out.
Julie fought for her life in so many ways. She refused to be sick. She refused to accept what the doctors told her. She wanted to live. It was hard. I saw her. I saw her each month – changing in front of me. From someone I once layed next to and said “I love you,” to a shell of a person holding on. In the end, it was easier for her to leave. It was what she wanted. To end the pain. And yet, we, as the ones living around her, still feel it – still try to understand what God would take her from us. It is not easy.
2009 is here. It is supposed to bring change – for the better. It is supposed to bring hope from despair, happiness from sorrow and good fortune from sadness and poverty. But as a race, we will continue to choose the “easy” way out. We will bomb and kill and destroy – all in the name of land or god or something that means so little when you compare it to the lives lost.
My hope for this race – OUR race – the Human race – is to stop taking the easy way out. When you stop and think about it – it really is not that easy after all.
I miss you Jewels – with all my heart and soul – but I will not take the easy way out – just like you, I will fight. And just like you, I hope and pray I can make a difference in this world.
Peace, love and light
Kat
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12.15.08
Posted in Journal at 6:00 am by kat
It is cold today – bitter cold. I was talking to my parents in California yesterday and it was odd since it was actually warmer here in Chicago than in the Bay Area. Mother nature is once again playing with us homosapiens – trying to make us go crazy perhaps.
I was flying home from California last week at this time – thinking about someone beautiful that was not with us. making new friends on a plane and yet being sad at the same time. Time is a strange thing, as it seems to never end – it moves quickly when we wish to just take a moment – sometimes much too quickly – and yet it drags on and on when we want to forget.
I will never forget the joy that Jewels brought into my life. How can you when you snort soda out your nose. But I will forget the pain.
Today I am sitting in a warm home – with a fire going – ok so it is a fake fire with those sterno type flames in my fake fireplace, but it looks real. 
I am working on so many things. Photos, work, programming, and so much more. The life of a Gemini is a simple one – to multitask is to LIVE! That is what we do. And yet in all that I have been doing, I hear her voice, I see her face, I feel her touch.
Last night I played with David Kav at Uncommon Ground. We have played 5 or 6 shows together. I like him. He makes me laugh and he is a wonderful performer. I still have not found his “off” button – he seems to have an endless supply of energy, and it shows in his music and his life. I still thinks he injects caffeine directly into his veins or something though. Anyway, we played some wonderful music together. I sat with friends before. I ate, laughed and shared. And yet from moment to monent I was not sure if I was going to cry, laugh or just sit and say nothing. It is strange how time just plays games with you – with your mind the way it does.
I will get back to work now. I have little time to do a lot. Later tonight I will go to the other Uncommon Ground and listen to the performers of the Open Mic. Then I will return home late, and before I know it, it will be 4am again – my wakeup time.
Time moves quickly in my life and yet right now, it is simply not moving quickly enough.
Peace, love and light
Kat
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12.11.08
Posted in Journal at 6:00 am by kat
So I have been back in Chicago since Monday. It was a long journey to get from LA to Chicago. No, Chicago had not moved and they did not put me in a propeller driven airplane that made it longer than usual, and surprisingly, even the weather did not delay me. No, it was long because there was much to think about as I sat in the back of the plane, chatting with flight crew and doing readings for them as we flew.
I have always done readings for many of the crew members. I have flown for most of my life and I am a million miler on 2 airlines. I guess that is more miles than most people should have to fly. It is not always fun. But spending time making new friends and sharing my gift with them is something that can be enlightening.
As I did readings for Carol and Amber something came up of a lost love for Amber. It turns out she is lesbian as well and shared with me as I asked her about this person that had departed her life about 4 months ago – it was her ex, who passed from cancer. Not a reading I really wanted to do as I had just been to the funeral. But it was strong, and I heard the name of her ex, although I mispronounced it (a greek name) and we laughed. I shared with both of them of what I was returning from. I cried. I have been crying a lot this past week.
Tuesday morning when I woke up at 4am – my usual time, I went to shower. My kitties usually ignore me as they are much too comfy on the big fluffy comforter to be bothered with getting up at that hour. But this morning would be different. As I stepped out of the shower there was a fuzzy white face greeting me. Willow was sitting on the rug – looking up at me and meowing. I had to push her out of the way so I could get out and dry off. But then she just laid out on the carpet, stretched out and tried to wrap around my feet.. Have you ever tried to dry yourself off while there is a cat wrapped around your feet – it is not very easy.
Her fuzzy white paws seemed to just reach out as I dried my hair and put on my makeup. She was not going anywhere. Even if I moved my feet and tried to get away. She just snuggled up and laid there. Then, even stranger, Brie, my other kitty showed up in the doorway. Was she sick? What was wrong? She never does this! She sat in the doorway and laid down, stretching her feet out, but still leaving and escape route. She is still a bit skiddish and tends to run if you move unexpectedly. Her tail curled around her and she was very comfortable.
Why?
This scene has been replayed each morning this week – even today. Hmm, a tivo of kitties! Do they sense something? Something within me? I guess they do. I know I am not myself. I am trying, but I am all over the map with emotions this week. I try to do my music – and nothing comes out. I try to be my normal crazy self and find myself saying stupid things (more stupid than normal – even for me) or worse, just rambling about nothing. I was at the doctors for 2.5 hours yesterday and realized I had told my life story to a new doctor. And she listened?! It is all so strange.
I want to be myself again. Or do I? I think I do. I am going to a concert Saturday to see Linda Eder – I love her and wish she was a lesbian.. We would make a great couple. See – I am trying to be myself again. And yet…
I have so much to do – events to plan and get organized – I have not even begun my Christmas shopping. My own illness is causing so many other side-illnesses that for the first time it is slowing me down. So much is going on and I want to just yell – STOP! My kitties won’t let me. Their little furry paws wrapped around me saying, “It is OK – we understand.”
I miss Julie. I miss her with all my heart and soul. Everyone keeps trying to help me. They try to say things – to make me feel better. They hug me, or hold me, and yet I don’t know what to do – how to react. I don’t know what to say. I wish I did.
As I left my condo this morning, heading off to work, I unwrapped my kitty from my feet – I hugged her and kissed her on the top of her head and I said “Thank you.. if you only knew.”
I gave them both their favorite treats as I left. The ignored me after that as they inhaled them (do they really taste them?) I walked out into the dark morning – only 5:15am. As I drove out on to the expressway I saw the most beautiful full moon – orange and dull, not brilliant white like you normally see. Hanging on the horizon almost setting.. It hung there – staring at me as I drove to work – looking and staring silently. I was lost in my thoughts and have been for days.
Thank you to all my friends – to everyone who has tried to help. I am sorry if I don’t know what to say or how to respond. But maybe, if I were to say, “as I look at the fuzzy white feet entangled around me these past few mornings, I think of you – my friends – and know you are there for me and if I could, I would give you all your favorite treats as well,” would that let you know how much you all mean to me…
with love,
Kat
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12.07.08
Posted in Journal at 7:00 pm by kat
I went to a funeral today. I hate funerals. I have never been able to deal with death. Perhaps I am weak. Perhaps I need to find a counselor that could help. When you start your adult life watching your class valedictorian – a close friend and band member – put a gun in his mouth, or watch friends you grew up with die because they drove high, or perhaps even one of the most difficult – someone I went to college with was killed on 9/11 and they never found her body (she died at the Pentagon) it makes you wonder.
In my life, I have lost track of the people that were close to me who died. No one should ever have to lose track. No one should have so many people die that you can’t count. Not in 25 years – not in 10 years – it should not happen.
Recently, a dear friend lost her mother. She lost her to the same thing I have – more advanced. She fought so hard. At the funeral they talked about how you never saw her sick. Her friends, her family, she never let people see her sick. She would get up early to sneak out to chemo so her husband would not see her. Her makeup flawless, her outfit immaculate – it all changes when people see you sick. They think of you as being sick – as not being the person they once knew.
I saw Julie sick. I was one of very few people who did. Myself, her sister and mother and father. We were the only ones. She hated it. She denied it. She always refused to be sick. I loved her. This made her stronger than anyone I had ever met. I try to fight the cancer I have. I don’t want people to see me sick – I do all that I can to hide it. Julie saw me sick. I threw up in her room once – just after a treatment I had. We both ended up laughing so hard – but we started out crying. She started to make fun of me, in the loving way she could. She laughed and said she was going to see if I had been cheating and eating meat – I am vegetarian. Within 5 minutes I was laughing with her. I don’t know how she did it. I was so embarrassed that I had let her see this, and yet she turned it around.
She was an amazing woman. When she told of the story of her time in Atlanta, I sat in amazement. Almost 6 years ago she lived in ATL and had a beautiful girlfriend. They broke up. It destroyed her. After 3 months, she looked around the country and decided she would leave Atlanta for Chicago. Her lease was up. She packed everything, and moved to Chicago. She did not have a job when she moved. She had a place to live, but no job. In 18 days she had a new job. Nothing would stop her. She was amazing.
Her funeral was simple – close friends and family. People from her high school that I had never met. She grw up in Santa Monica. But honestly, everyone felt like family. But what were we doing there?
I have always believed that the physical body is just a shell to hold a soul. When you pass, the body is like an egg shell – when you crack it and the insides fall out, the shell is empty and meaningless. We stood around – mostly in silence. Tears everywhere, but not knowing what to say. I never knoew what to say. Everything you can say to the family has been said in their own minds a million times – “why?”
I spent 2 days with her mother and father and sister. They liked me. I would come out monthly and in a previous blog I talked about how I tried to help all I could with her medical bills. It was meaningless – I knew I could never make a difference in the skyrocketing bills. And yet, we all knew – Julie knew – it was for nothing. There was no cure for this horrible condition that she faced. What was the point? We broke up because neither of us believed the other would live long enough to have a meaningful relationship. What is the point of fighting when you knew the outcome?
I sit here and write this. I miss her. There is no meaning.
I remember my cell phone bill from last month – even though I have unlimited minutes, I remember seeing how many were for calling her. Whenever I wanted to give up – I called her. Whenever I hurt, I called her. With the time change to California we could talk any time I needed her. I felt so good each time I talked to her. The strength within her would radiate to all those around her. Even over a cell phone.
Julie was in hospice and then moved to ICU for the last week of her much too short life. And yet this woman made sure she voted on Nov 4th. Not early or absentee, she wanted to be there – on election day. I remember how she told me how much it meant to her. Voting against Prop 8, and to elect our first ever black President. She wanted to be a part of history. This was a woman that no one could keep down. I called her on election night, right after I spoke to my mother. We were both crying. It was something that neither of us could believe. After 8 years of a horrible president – we had hope. She told me how she would be here to see Barack sworn in on Jan 20th. She was not going to miss it and wanted me to time my monthly visit to be with her. I told her I would. I never once thought she would not be here.
I said it before, but I don’t handle death well. I don’t think I ever will. I miss her and sitting in a room – knowing her shell was in the box in front of me made it harder. I sat with her family.
Julie only had 3 partners in her life and I was one. I never could understand what she saw in me. I knew what I saw in her. She was a goddess – not in the sense of beauty, but more like Wonder Woman – the power AND beauty that she held. Each time we were together I would always ask her “why?” She could do so much better. Besides, I was sick, I knew it. I could not give her a lifetime of happiness that she could give someone else. And then a few months later, she told me she was sick and she would be moving home. She wanted me to understand that she could not offer me what I could give her and thought that I should move on. I could not believe this. What was going on? Why was it that we both said the same thing to each other only a few months apart? I was supposed to understand because I said the same thing to her only a few months earlier. None of it made any sense then and it makes no sense now.
She is gone – I am still here. Why? She had more love in her pinky than I have in my whole body. I don’t understand it all. None of it makes any sense any more. Why her? The question so many people ask – “Why do good people have to die?” They say it is God’s plan. Sorry – I don’t believe it. I don’t believe that God took her for some reason that we simply don’t understand. I never will. I will never understand why she had this dealt to her. I will never understand why Ed put a gun in his mouth. I will never understand why friends took drugs, only to die when they were high. I will never understand why people died on 9/11 or during WWII or all the horrible wars before and after. None of it makes any sense – it doesn’t now and it won’t in a week or a month or a year.
I will fly home tomorrow. I will always carry part of Jewels within me. I loved her. I still do. She made me laugh and no one could ever make me laugh so hard that soda came out my nose. Only she could. I will meditate tonight, as I did the night before and the night before that. I
This all just sucks. Life – friends and family and lovers who leave us. I miss you so much Jewels. I want you back. I want you here – with me, in Chicago.. Snuggling on the couch – you sneezing because Willow made you. Please come back.. Please let me hold you – and kiss you. Please let me tell you how much I love you.
I will be with you soon… I promise.
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