08.18.09
A new lease – a new outlook…
Over the past couple of years I have been fighting a horrible thing that we call cancer. Most of you who know me, know a bit about it. I have not been very open. Not many people are about this.
Recently I got good news – that my battle has taken a turn for the better. It seems a lot of “experimental” (another word for “insurance company does not have to pay” *sigh*) and alternative health care has made a difference. Am I cured? No. But the difference is going to be seen more and more in my outlook on life.
map
In the coming weeks and months I am going to start writing a bit more about what I have been through and continue to deal with. I will look back at my written journal and may even bring some of those out. The despair and depression I hid from you all. (trust me, it was and is sometimes still there…)
Why am I doing this? Maybe – just maybe, it will help someone else.
I am not perfect – I am not a role model – I am not someone to look up to or any other cliche’ you can think of. I am me. I get up, go to work and just do the things I love to do. I do know that for just over 2 years it has been just a little harder. Now, perhaps in my own little way, I might be able to help someone else going through something similar.
One little excerpt from my journal last year, back when Tony Snow, George W’s Press Secretary was diagnosed with colon cancer and then later passed away… This is from the night he passed:
“Tony passed away yesterday. God, it seems like yesterday I remember him stepping up and saying he had colon cancer. He went on a few talk shows, but for the most part he stayed with his family. I do remember some of the best ‘Daily Shows’ were when Tony was on. He may have worked for Bush, but he was a genuine person and I always loved how Jon and he got along. And yet now he is gone. I even remember almost meeting him the first time after 9/11. Everyone was so rushed though, and I heard someone say, ‘yeah, there is Tony,’ and that was about it as he walked out another door. I would not have said anything, but what if I had known then that he would have been diagnosed, would I have said something? It is so hard talking to people and yet that is what he did – he talked to everyone. 
I hate pity and I know that is what would happen…
Why am I still here? I don’t get it. I ask myself almost every day. He had a family, and kids and I am pretty much on my own – there is no reason for it. I got drunk after I heard about it. Yeah, I know, not the smartest thing, but sometimes I can’t deal with this anymore. It seems like every day I look at the news I read or hear about someone else being diagnose. And each time is the same thing – what the hell am I doing here. The answer is simple – I am afraid – I simply can not fathom what it would do to my family. So many times I wanted to give up – as they keep telling me crap and I am sick to death of the doctors – ha ha – that is funny.”
I doubt this really helps anyone, but you never know and for now, I guess it is time to put some of the things I have been dealing with out there – especially since things are looking just a bit brighter.
peace, love and light
Kat