09.19.09
Posted in Journal at 6:55 am by kat
I am a vegetarian and for the most part, avoid things that are leather. I may own over 100 (150?) pairs of shoes, but the majority are fake leather. Sometimes, however, you have to thank the universe for leather, rather than cloth seats.
Yesterday I worked at Uncommon Ground from about 1pm until 1am. I was working the shows for the World Music Festival and it was amazing. I even got to watch a world class drummer play my kit – kind of fun and made me want to take lessons again. But I digress.
So I had worked about 18 hours the day before for some “day job deadlines” and had gotten 2.5 hours of sleep. But if you know me, you know I function fine on no sleep – just wish I understood why, given all the other problems I have with my body. I have written about having “ITP” before and in fact this is where you can learn more about it: http://pdsa.org/
Not many people know about it or understand it well. It is a quiet “affliction” that does not get a lot of press, doesn’t have a “ribbon” (we do have a color-band though – blood red of course) Anyway, I thought I would write about this again, perhaps to help bring more attention to it and maybe help others who have it or any other platelet disorder.
So on my way home last night, which is a short 6 blocks, I had the top down, all my drums in the car, was exhausted, and knew it, but it had been an amazing day. Then it happened. It happens to people with ITP and can happen with little warning. I won’t go into all the details, as it is a little gross and messy, but suffice it to say I am glad I have treated leather seats that repel water (and blood)…
I thought I might be bleeding, and I was right, and the simple way to put is is that I “bled out” a bit and just put two and two together and think about the fact that there are few places for it to come “out” and add that to a leather seat, and well you get the idea.
Well, the firestation just happens to be on the way from UG to my home, and I was a block from it when this occurred. I knew I would not want to drive much more. I pulled in the parking lot and asked them to take me to the hospital. Thanks guys – you were wonderful!
So I spent the night in the hospital receiving IV-IG and a platelet infusion. IV-IG is Intravenous Immunoglobulin and I usually do that about once a month.. I missed last month which is most likely why I bled out in the first place. I also received some platelets and just want to thank anyone and everyone who has ever donated platelets. You help keep me and others alive.
Would I like a new body? Yep. Honestly, it is why I am single, it is not something that you just want to share with someone else. Oh sure there are those who get sick when they are with someone and that person makes a world of difference to help the other, but when you already know you are sick, well, it is not something you want another person to have to share.
So I am home now. Resting and taking the night off. I have band rehearsal tomorrow and then another part of the World Music Fest to go run, then back to Monday, the day job and Open Mic and more. Music is a passion of mine as is my photography. If I did not have it, I know I would not be here.
You know, when it all comes down to it, I hate my illness not because it attacks me, but because it makes me disappoint people and let them down for commitments I have made. (Sorry LCCP and HB)
But I guess, in all of this, I just have to be happy for my treated leather seats, since when I did pick up my car, well, I did not have to clean anything. Oh, the 1 out of 2 pairs of jeans I own? Yeah, those are ruined. Hmm, can I live with just 1 pair of jeans? Yeah, I mean I don’t really wear them that much and hate them. But that is another topic for another day..
So I just want to close by thanking those of you full of health, vigor and life,and remind others, that when you get a chance, donate blood, platelets, plasma, anything – you just don’t understand how many lives you help, and in fact, it could be someone you just talked to just a few hours ago…
Peace, love and light
Kat
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09.11.09
Posted in Journal at 8:11 am by kat
So most people know I am a former government employee. I worked in “law enforcement” for lack of a better term. On Sept 11, 2001 I was in a government facility – and watched, as did we all, the attacks on our country. I remember every single moment of that day, from the same fear and anger for having been attacked, to the fear and sadness of realizing one of my dear friends, who worked at the Pentagon, was missing. She died that day – her body was not found, but her soul lives on inside of me and so many others she touched in her lifetime.
I will never forget how I just sat in a room – with so many others – and just stared at the TV. Part of me wonders – in this age of “too much information” of how things might have been different WITHOUT the news media… In a way, I wonder if it might have been similar to “War of the Worlds” and the radio broadcast that brought fear and terror into so many lives because people thought it was real. Imagine if only snippets of what was going on was available on the radio – the increased fear and mass panic that would have filled this country and beyond – perhaps much worse than it was. But I digress…
As I sat in a room, watching military people move about, doing their jobs, buildings being locked down, barricades being moved into place, assault weapons at the ready and more – I remember crying. Partly because I had not heard from my friend and also because of the loss of life I was witnessing.
As I sat, tears in my eyes, and sobbing quietly, I will never forget what happened next.
A military police “soldier” carrying a very large weapon and decked in full body armor walked by me and saw me crying. He bent down and put his hands on my shoulder and asked if I was OK and what could he do for me.. I was startled for a moment, as his weapon was a mere inch or two from my face – and said to him, “Please, you have so much I am sure you should be doing – the least of which taking care of me – crying like an idiot.”
He looked at me, wiped the tear from one of my checks and said, “This is why I am here – this is why we are all here – to take care of each and everyone one of us, so what can I do?” We talked for a few minutes and I told him that I could not reach my friend in DC on her cell, but he told me not to worry, that most likely all cells were swamped – don’t think the worse…
He stayed with me for another 5 minutes and we talked. By the end of it, I had composed myself, at least enough to ask if there was anything I should be doing.
His name is Jeremy and he was then, and is still now an, Air Force Military Police Officer. We stay in touch to this day. He saved me from letting fear over take me and reminded me, that as a human race – not just as Americans – there are much more important things than just “doing your job.” Even as he rushed to defend the facility I was at, against possible threats, he stopped and shared the “humanity” that is what makes us all the same.
The cowards that attacked us that day did not attack just Americans, they attacked “humanity” and tried to put fear in everyone.
I spoke to my mother yesterday about all the anger and ” mean spiritedness” going around this country and this world right now, and realized I needed to pick up the phone and call my friend. I did. We only talked for 10 minutes, but it did remind me of one thing – we are all of one race – the human race, and as silly and cliche as it sounds, we all bleed the same. Black, white, brown, yellow — asian, american, hispanic, middle-eastern, indian, or muslim, christian, mormon, it simply does not matter the color of our skin or the religion we believe or not, but what matters is saying hello to a stranger, or giving the homeless person an extra $1 (or 2 or 3) or helping a friend when they need you, or just being yourself and letting others bask in the glow of “you” and your energy!
This day brings back sadness to many and anger to some – but perhaps what this day should remind us the most is that truly, “love” is the weapon we should all wield – because it truly does conquer all…
Peace, love and light
Kat
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09.04.09
Posted in Journal at 11:42 pm by kat
As I type this, I marvel, in a small way, at technology, that I work with every day – since I am sitting in my car, under a full moon, by the glow of my laptop – using my silly little Sprint mobile broadband to connect. We may not be in a world of flying cars – yet – but things like this, well, I know even my parents don’t understand much of it for they grew up in a different time…
I was thinking about that today, as I drove all over much of Illinois, about my parents, and the lives they have led. They have been married just over 60 years and grew up in a time I can’t even begin to understand. They lived through the great depression, and a world war that almost destroyed us. And yet I remember the day my father and mother and I all watched as we landed on the moon. We lived in Hawaii then, and I will never forget riding along side the quarantine vehicle on my bike, when the astronauts returned..
My mother once shared with me a small part of her childhood – when words did not hurt or kill the way they do now. I mean today, if you are hanging out with friends and are joking around, you might call them an idiot, moron, jerk and so many other things – all in jest, of a friend – but trying to get your point across. Well, my mother once told me of how the “n” word was the same way. She and her friends, – black, white, brown and all other colors, would play, and just in jest, call each other names like that, or “white trash” and other things.. Sure, some people may not think “white trash” is neither as bad as the “n” word, but you did not grow up in the 1930s playing in the playground wondering how you would get through the next day. (think about what it was like being a child in the great depression?)
I can’t even begin to understand what my parents went through. Depression, war after war, bigotry, riots, and racism that makes today look like a cocktail party.. I even remember, long before I came out to my family, how my father used to make “gay” jokes, limp wristed and all, not knowing who his child would turn out to be.
I was in the Bay Area when Harvey Milk was killed – I was just 17 and really had not come to grips with anything yet and still did not understand who he was. Heck, at 16, 17 and 18, at least back then, all you wanted to do was go out, party and have fun – oh yeah, same as today. But seriously, I just did not understand it all.
I guess I never thought I would turn into my mother – saying things like “when I was younger…” and other such silliness, and yet, I have. I look back, thinking about the “zack morris” cell phones that I used when I was working in the fledgling computer industry, or the Arpanet – long before the Internet – and computer screens that were round – I remember it all.. I miss it, and yet it reminds me of the time I was riding down the street in Walnut Creek – just outside of San Francisco – cruising like we used to do, with one of my best friends who was black sitting next to me – and some jackass in the car next to us made some racist remark and I yelled back. My friend grabbed me and said, “Are you trying to get us killed!?”
I think back now and those same times of the racist people then and those who judge the gay community now. There is no difference. They are ignorant and foolish. And yet at the same time, I think of how my mother was raised and they did not even understand what all that was – since her friend were black or white or brown – they didn’t care, and the words they used, just like so many words used by children, t hey really did not even understand them. They were not words of hatred or anger, but of silliness that children speak of to each other. Words never spoken in anger or hatred, but in games that most of the time were forgotten a few hours later.
I was yelled at today – a word that compares to the “N” word – but they just added “lesbian” in front of the “C” word. It was supposed to make me angry or hurt me in some way. And on the same day I received an email from NOM about the fact that they have placed “marriage” on the ballet in Vermont. (or Maine – I deleted it now…) All I could think of was the hatred that filled the hearts and souls of these people. The ones who called me names and the ones who say I have no right to marry (or live in some cases). I wonder if they understand truly, the hatred and bigotry they attempt to spread? And yet, just as my mother and father, I sit here and think, “they have nothing but words – words that they believe hurt – not true weapons – unless I give them power over me, and I don’t.”
The words they spew – the hatred, the judgment, and beyond, I give no power to. I guess sometimes I just think they don’t understand. They are not better than me – or worse. They are not right or wrong, they are simply mistaken and confused. Someday they will realize that. And at the same time they might even realize that judging me for simply being me – is wrong.
I don’t hate them. I can’t – my parents raised me not to hate. Sure, I pity them. I pity them for not even trying to understand someone different from themselves. But at the same time, I am tired. I am tired of being judged and being called names. I am tired of people wanting to “cure” me. I am tired of reading about another member of the LGBT community being found dead some place in this country. I am tired of the ignorance and those who still cling to the “gay panic defense” as their excuse – that they were afraid they might be hit on by the gay person they murdered.
Someday – perhaps even in my lifetime, people will stop hating and judging others. Maybe we can go back to my parents childhood when words were just words and did not evoke anger, hatred, wars and worse.
I will close this, as I continue to sit under this beautiful moon, the top down and I count my blessings, but at the same time, I am crying – for all the anger, hatred, bigotry and violence in this world.. Maybe I have turned into my mother who says to me, “It is not my fight anymore, I just don’t have it left in me – it has to be yours..” Maybe, it is time for others to stand up, because honestly, I have other things I need to fight, the least of which is my health…
peace, love and light
Namaste
Kat
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