12.11.08
fuzzy feet
So I have been back in Chicago since Monday. It was a long journey to get from LA to Chicago. No, Chicago had not moved and they did not put me in a propeller driven airplane that made it longer than usual, and surprisingly, even the weather did not delay me. No, it was long because there was much to think about as I sat in the back of the plane, chatting with flight crew and doing readings for them as we flew.
I have always done readings for many of the crew members. I have flown for most of my life and I am a million miler on 2 airlines. I guess that is more miles than most people should have to fly. It is not always fun. But spending time making new friends and sharing my gift with them is something that can be enlightening.
As I did readings for Carol and Amber something came up of a lost love for Amber. It turns out she is lesbian as well and shared with me as I asked her about this person that had departed her life about 4 months ago – it was her ex, who passed from cancer. Not a reading I really wanted to do as I had just been to the funeral. But it was strong, and I heard the name of her ex, although I mispronounced it (a greek name) and we laughed. I shared with both of them of what I was returning from. I cried. I have been crying a lot this past week.
Tuesday morning when I woke up at 4am – my usual time, I went to shower. My kitties usually ignore me as they are much too comfy on the big fluffy comforter to be bothered with getting up at that hour. But this morning would be different. As I stepped out of the shower there was a fuzzy white face greeting me. Willow was sitting on the rug – looking up at me and meowing. I had to push her out of the way so I could get out and dry off. But then she just laid out on the carpet, stretched out and tried to wrap around my feet.. Have you ever tried to dry yourself off while there is a cat wrapped around your feet – it is not very easy.
Her fuzzy white paws seemed to just reach out as I dried my hair and put on my makeup. She was not going anywhere. Even if I moved my feet and tried to get away. She just snuggled up and laid there. Then, even stranger, Brie, my other kitty showed up in the doorway. Was she sick? What was wrong? She never does this! She sat in the doorway and laid down, stretching her feet out, but still leaving and escape route. She is still a bit skiddish and tends to run if you move unexpectedly. Her tail curled around her and she was very comfortable.
Why?
This scene has been replayed each morning this week – even today. Hmm, a tivo of kitties! Do they sense something? Something within me? I guess they do. I know I am not myself. I am trying, but I am all over the map with emotions this week. I try to do my music – and nothing comes out. I try to be my normal crazy self and find myself saying stupid things (more stupid than normal – even for me) or worse, just rambling about nothing. I was at the doctors for 2.5 hours yesterday and realized I had told my life story to a new doctor. And she listened?! It is all so strange.
I want to be myself again. Or do I? I think I do. I am going to a concert Saturday to see Linda Eder – I love her and wish she was a lesbian.. We would make a great couple. See – I am trying to be myself again. And yet…
I have so much to do – events to plan and get organized – I have not even begun my Christmas shopping. My own illness is causing so many other side-illnesses that for the first time it is slowing me down. So much is going on and I want to just yell – STOP! My kitties won’t let me. Their little furry paws wrapped around me saying, “It is OK – we understand.”
I miss Julie. I miss her with all my heart and soul. Everyone keeps trying to help me. They try to say things – to make me feel better. They hug me, or hold me, and yet I don’t know what to do – how to react. I don’t know what to say. I wish I did.
As I left my condo this morning, heading off to work, I unwrapped my kitty from my feet – I hugged her and kissed her on the top of her head and I said “Thank you.. if you only knew.”
I gave them both their favorite treats as I left. The ignored me after that as they inhaled them (do they really taste them?) I walked out into the dark morning – only 5:15am. As I drove out on to the expressway I saw the most beautiful full moon – orange and dull, not brilliant white like you normally see. Hanging on the horizon almost setting.. It hung there – staring at me as I drove to work – looking and staring silently. I was lost in my thoughts and have been for days.
Thank you to all my friends – to everyone who has tried to help. I am sorry if I don’t know what to say or how to respond. But maybe, if I were to say, “as I look at the fuzzy white feet entangled around me these past few mornings, I think of you – my friends – and know you are there for me and if I could, I would give you all your favorite treats as well,” would that let you know how much you all mean to me…
with love,
Kat