11.07.08
Feelings.. Why?
We have a new president. It is an amazing thing. I drank too much champagne. I argued with my brother who voted for McCain. I am sad the Prop 8 passed. I can’t believe that the state of Arkansas has outlawed even straight couples that are not married from adopting or fostering children. My feelings are all over the place.
How do we go from Euphoria one moment to feeling so incredibly sad the next? I was hurt today. By a simple act of what I think of as betrayal. Maybe that is a harsh word- maybe it is simply that I was lied to. I don’t know. I know I hurt. I know it hurts so much because this was someone I truly cared for. This was someone I admired more than just about anyone I have met in the last 5 years.
Was it deliberate? Probably not. But what I don’t understand is why that does not change the level of hurt. I guess if someone does something without thinking and it hurts, or if they do it with a little bit of thought, it still hurts and does it make a difference if they do it with a lot of thought? I don’t think so. If I found out it was planned all along, it would make no difference.
I walked around for over an hour – in the cold wind – hoping it might take away the pain. Hoping that what happened would be something that was, well, it was a bad dream. The fact that I am writing this says that it is real.
I really don’t know what to do anymore. The more I put myself out there, the more I get hurt. And yet I continue to do it. We all do it, don’t we? We are hurt in a relationship break up – we say “never again” and a few months later, we do it again. How many times do we have to feel pain before we stop doing it? If we continued to hit ourselves in the head with a hammer, would we not stop at some point and realize that was a bad thing? Why then, do we let our emotions and our feelings out of the locked box they have been in so long, just to be stepped on again?
I won’t do it again. Yeah right. But for now, I will simply put what is left of my feelings back in the box and lock it. Perhaps it will be open again someday. We never seem to learn when it comes to relationships, friends and people we care about. And sadly, it is not always about a love relationship, because friends can hurt you just as deeply. In same cases, in fact, the hurt they bring is even deeper than a lost love. We think our friends wll never hurt us. We are wrong.
