09.09.08
Posted in Journal at 6:00 am by kat
I just got back from San Francisco and LA late last night. I got to see my parents – my father turned 83, and I got to see my best friend Julie in LA.
My father and everyone were wonderfully surprised – no one knew I was coming. I walked up to the table carrying a bottle of champagne, a champagne bucket and glasses and had on an apron from the restaurant. I had spoken to them about this and arrived early. It was a wonderful surprise.
At the same time, I saw my father and for some reason, I thought back to 20 years ago when he was so vibrant and strong. Now, I watch as my parents – my best friends – get older. For now, I will enjoy the memories and photos of that day and all of us, my father included, sipping champagne and laughing at the silliness of my sister and I. Oh, and it was funny – even though it was my father’s bday, my sister and I both brought presents to each other – both having something to do with cats. I guess we are truly sisters. 
I flew to LA for my cancer treatments and at the same time to see Julie, whom I love dearly. She has a terminal form of lymphoma and has been in the hospital for a few weeks. She is in and out usually, but these past few weeks she is not doing well. We laughed so hard, well, I had soda coming out my nose. (no smart remarks now!) We both make each other laugh. We smile. We just enjoy each others’ company. She is an angel.
I went to my treatments after, then went back to visit with her family. Hopefully Julie will be home again soon, according to doctors, in a few more days. Until then – I know I will send all my energy to her.
The cost of this thing we call life – I wonder if people realize what life is all about? As I watch this election progress, I listen to lies and more coming from the GOP. They have nothing to help those who need medical assistance.. As far as they are concerned if you can’t afford insurance, tough. The hospitals/doctors/insurance companies need to stay rich and given all the tax breaks they have because they support the GOP.
I pay almost $1200 a month that is not covered by insurance, and yet it is all worth it – because I continue to live. Julie’s family pays for extra bills that are not covered and since she is no longer working, she uses COBRA which is not the best coverage. She will be moved to her parents insurance soon – and I hope they can keep it going. I wrote them a check for $1000 just to do what I could. They are not poor, but sometimes, well, a little help is all it takes. They tried to give it back. Her mother lost. She knows me and knows I do this each month. She knows she will lose every month, but the longer Julie is around, the longer there is an angel among us.
If McCain and Palin get into office, I know it will become harder for so many to take care of themselves and yet the Insurance Companies will continue to get tax breaks as will the drug companies and more. People like Julie’s family will continue to spend their life savings to keep their daughter alive. Yes, it is worth any cost, but it should not have to be that way. This country was built on the middle class – not the elite and that is what the GOP is about – helping the elite get richer. Everytime I hear FOX noise or some other biased media say that Obama is “elitest” I cringe and want to scream. I hate them – honestly – people that are behind FOX noise and other biased conservative media will lie about anything to stay in power and sadly, a large portion of the population believes everything they hear on TV and Radio. They believe people like O’Reilly and Limbaugh and Coulture – all of whom are bold faced liars.
I will see Julie again in another month. I will write another check for her family. I will probably squirt soda from my nose again as we laugh about all we see around us (we talk a lot about lesbian drama). I will hope and pray that all the voices yelling for change will realize that the true cost of putting McCain in office will be the loss of even more wonderful people who simply can’t afford their medical bills. And don’t even get me started on Palin and her lies and hypocrisy. Her church is currently “Praying against Gay” with Focus on the Family – saying that we can cure you. Where is the media when they should be yelling (and of course reporting) about this, the same way the put Rev Wright in the spotlight when it was the Dems. Oh wait, they have to bury that story so their candidate gets into office. I forgot.
Peace
a very tired Kat…
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09.03.08
Posted in Journal at 8:30 am by kat
I have always wondered about life. Perhaps that is why I am a tarot reader and spiritual intuitive – I want to understand it. Last night I was doing a reading for someone – and I will admit I know nothing of her. Yes, she is a server at the restaurant I run sound at, but I really know nothing about her. During the reading a name just popped into my head. I heard it plain as day. I spoke it to her and at first she did not realize it was the man she is interested in – his name is William or Will, but most call him Bill – I said “Who is Bill?”
The point is not about her or the reading, but WHY does this happen to me? Why did I hear this one and only name? And in a strange way too. If you remember the first Die Hard movie – there is a scene where “John McClain” is meeting the “bad guy” for the first time, and they are standing there and the bad guy turns off his accent when McClain asks, “So, what is your name.” You hear the man say “Bill”, then the camera cuts to the wall and there is a list of names of people who work there, and a name is clear as the bad guy says “Bill Clay” and you are looking at the name “William Clay.” Last night, when I heard the name, I heard it the same way – it was “Bill – Bill” and it repeated like the movie. To me it brought an image of the movie and when I told her the name, and she said “his name is really William” I realized how I was seeing this.
I don’t understand where this all comes from. I don’t know her. I don’t even know myself sometimes. But it happens. And for most of my life, although it was only 15 years ago that I really began to understand it and the fact that I was not crazy and hearing things. But life – all that it is – all that it brings to us – it fascinates me and confuses me all at the same time.
Yesterday I found out someone very dear to me, someone I dated and would have considered being with – has taken a turn for the worse in her illness. I will see her in a few days and I don’t know what to expect. I love her. I admit it. I knew there was something there when I met her, and she did as well, and yet it was not about being in a relationship – it was a love of two people who connected on a different level – soul mates perhaps, but not to be married or as partners. In all of this, I felt her, in my soul last night, and then, in my voice mail – a message from her sister saying she had taken a bad turn. I knew it, but I did not want to accept it.
At the time this news came across I already had plans to see her this weekend. We have all known of her condition for close to a year now and it is not good and in fact, we thought we had come to grips with it as being terminal, but even when you accept it, you don’t really. My father will celebrate his 83rd birthday this weekend. I know sometime my parents will pass – and yet I joke that I have a contract with them that they are never allowed to die. I made them sign it when I was younger. And hey, it is a signed contract!
Julie and I are connected in ways I can’t explain. I speak little of her to most people, which is unusual for me, but in this way I know it is different. Oh sure, if you are one of my close friends, you know who she is, so I am not hiding anything, but I am different when it comes to her. I can’t explain it.
Last night, as I sat at Uncommon Ground waiting for the Open Mic that I run to start, I got very sad. I did not know what to do. I wanted to cry. I wanted to leave, but my friends were all there. It was a small crowd – only about 9 performers, but very special performers. I finally walked up to the stage and made my usual announcements and found myself speaking of my friend and saying “and honestly, I just don’t give a shit right now, so lets just have fun!” Everyone smiled – people came up to me, and suddenly the night changed. All the performers started having fun and singing silly songs and also emotional songs. They were determined to make me smile. They did – over and over again. I was even asked to join several performers on percussion and all the songs were very special.I was feeling Julie within me as I was sending all this energy to her. I was smiling and crying at the same time. It was something, even now I am having a hard time putting into words.
Crystal Bowersox is an incredible performer and recently wrote a song that she says I inspired – in fact, it is on my profile. “Love you before I leave” is the title. We played it together. It is not a song that lends itself to cajon, but I played anyway. It was sent to Julie – with all my heart and soul! Another wonderful friend, Justic Birnholz, brought all the performers on stage to do one of my favorite songs in only the way he can – “Rainbow Connection”, by Kermit the Frog. And backed by all these wonderful performers. Again, I wanted to cry. I joined Matt Ryd with a wonderful song – and I know it is not the title, but I call it “The Rabbit Hole” song. (sorry matt for not knowing the correct title). That was the first song I every played with Matt. I played it again and it was so much fun – more energy being sent to Julie. David Kav – was so silly, but I asked him to play “The Angel Song” that is a pure instrumental (I wish he would do more) and it brought tears to my eyes again. And finally Jeff Churchwell, who is another wonderful performer, invited me up for 2 songs and I have always wanted to play with him and last night I got to – even if I screwed up the ending on one.
The entire night was surreal. I was trying to feel Julie all night – feel her energy and all that she is as a person and a soul – a beautiful soul that has touched so many. I was 2000 miles away from her and yet I knew she could feel all we were doing. I laughed, I cried and I went home exhausted. Not from lack of sleep but simply from life itself. I was drained. I was filled with emotions I could not explain. I called Julie’s sister. We cried together. We laughed when I told her of “Kermit” and so much more.
I will see Julie in a few days. I will recount this entire evening to her. We will laugh and I will share with her my love and how much I care for her. But she already knows it. But I will tell her again – and again – as we laugh and just make fools of ourselves.
I may never understand the “fairness” of life. No one ever will, but I know, when it is time for me to leave this world, I will do it with a bang! I know that someday, Julie will transition. But in all that I am, all that I wish I could be, I will continue to share each and every moment of my life telling her how special she is, and how she has changed so many lives.
Thank you to all the people who surround me with love and friendship. I struggle with things sometimes – my own health issues that I fight. Ironically, that is one of the reasons Julie and I chose not to move forward in a relationship. Neither of us thought it fair to place the burden on each other. Funny how life is like that. But the people that surround me – I am truly blessed. Last night, had I been alone, who knows where I might have found myself – what emotional state. Instead, I was surrounded by music, laughter and friendship that made life worth living. Thank you all and please know that Julie felt it all and will experience it again when I share it with her this weekend.
With love to all of you..
Kat
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