07.21.08
My Life
Who knows what this blog will be – lots of rambling I am sure.. So enjoy.
As life goes, and the fact that I am 48 (ick), I guess it has been pretty full. I mean, I have visited 3/4’s of the world – met people from so many cultures and countries and backgrounds, I can’t even recall. I remember when I was in Nicaragua for 3 months I had an interpreter who was Chinese – which I had to admit just seemed a bit odd. I was in Sidney for the Olympics, and once, while visiting South Africa I met Bill Cosby who then introduced me to Nelson Mandela! I mean, honestly, can you say I have had a boring life – hardly.
The past few weeks are no different. it has been everything from full, to fun, exciting, exhausting, and everything in between. The musical side of my life is very busy and quite fulfilling lately. I love all the musicians I have met at the Open Mics I host at Uncommon Ground. I have even been honored to play with many of them – some for just a song or two and recently, for a full gig. (and I hope more are coming). My work is indeed challenging – not many people know my day job is computer security – very different from photography and tarot and music that I do all the other times.
Recently we had the HRC gala and that was so much fun as I got to meet the performers from Zumanity, one of the premier Cirque du Soleil shows in Vegas. 3 weeks ago I got to shoot the rehearsals and meet the performers backstage of Kooza! WOW! And if you know me, you know of my pure love of Cirque du Soleil and all it stands for and means to me.
So here we are in another week – quite busy. Open Mic tonight and tomorrow – a tarot event on Wednesday, heading to Dyke Mic on Thursday, then my House Concert and Tarot party on Friday and GPAC on Saturday and something on Sunday I don’t even remember.
Somewhere in all of this insanity I have been dealing with cancer. Once, many years ago, which I beat, and now more recently with colon and liver. And with all the battling of both – the liver was most “urgent”. The irony of it is that so much colon was removed, the doctors told me heavy proteins like meat, would be hard to digest. Guess it is good I am vegetarian. With the liver I am doing alternative treatments once a month in LA – and it has made tremendous progress – so why then do things you don’t expect have to come back to haunt you again?
These past several days I have had an increase, in well – bleeding – which is a good sign of colon problems. I have called my doctor and will squeeze in an appt this week to hopefully find out it is nothing but stress related and not that the cancer is rearing it’s ugly head again. *sigh*
I have kept mum about most of the issues with my illness for quite some time. I don’t like talking about it – I believe that it gives the disease “power” but sometimes I need to vent I guess. And maybe venting to one or two people all the time as I have, well, maybe that is not fair to them. Instead, perhaps if I just vent here – it will feel the same and yet I don’t have to burden individuals with trying to come up with answers.
I don’t really want pity or people trying to give advice. That is one reason I have kept most of the issues hidden. What I want is for people to just take me as I am – and know that I will continue to be that crazy redhead with the camera no matter what. One thing I learned a long time ago – people want to help – they want to give advice, but honestly, please – and I don’t mean this in a mean way – please don’t. Those of us dealing with this, well, we do try so many things and look at so many options – it is exhausting. In fact, I have done several “experimental” treatments and the current path seems to be making headway against the liver. I guess when I read of Tony Snow passing from colon cancer it reminded me again that the other part might still be with me. And who knows, it most likely is nothing but stress. But there are times when I feel afraid, and well, this is one of those times. But I don’t want to show it in public – not when I am with my friends and family – but here, I can show it, without showing it – does that make sense?
Life is what it is – I mean one of my best friends has moved home to California because it is quite possible she will not be with us beyond a few more months. Her condition has worsened and there is nothing we can do – we must hope the doctors and others can find the solution. She is younger than me. She has not had the full life as I have. So why must she be the one to have to deal with this more serious condition? I will head back out to LA next week and I will see her as I do each month. I love her and bring a smile to her just as she does to me. And yet I know that is all I can do. We laugh and recall things that have happened in the short 4 years we have known each other. Heck, we even dated for a few months, but we realized we should be nothing more than lifelong friends.
Recently, a beautiful singer, songwriter and true musician left us. She had inspired so many others in the music world. And sadly she fought and lost a battle with a rare tumor in her jaw which caused her to lose her voice first, and then her life. She was taken from us much too soon. I never met her, and yet I cried more than once when I heard of this.
I won’t give up. I never have. These people – the ones who fought and lost, and the ones who continue to fight, inspire me. My life, my family and my friends inspire me. I want to make a difference in this world. I want to make people smile. I want to find some way to help the LGBT community to be stronger and more united. There is so much I want to do. I won’t give up – not now and not ever. But I still find myself wondering, why life is what it is and why others lose the battle..
This week will be a long one for me. Wondering when I will get in to my doctors (I should know later today) and then waiting for test results. I have so much scheduled, that honestly, I really don’t have time to think about being sick. besides, when you think about it, it has power over you. I will not let cancer have power over me. Just as my father who has had 4 (5?) cancers and survived them all never gave in to them. He hid much of it from us until the actual surgeries. It is his way. He is still strong and a fighter today. Both of my parents are my inspiration in so many ways – I am truly blessed to have them and could never thank them enough for all they have done.
I have vented enough for now. I feel better and well, I will get through this. One thing I know – no matter what, when I leave this world, I will go out with a bang! You will know I was here and I hope that at least a few people will say “wow, she did make a difference.” That is all I ask. But just know this – that is a LONG time away!!!
You are not getting rid of me that easy!
Namaste
Kat