09.27.07
Posted in Journal at 12:01 am by kat
They say (ok, there are those “they” people again… Someday I want to meet them, anyway…) that “life is what you make of it.” This is so true and lately, it seems as though life truly could not get more beautiful. I have friends that surround me with friendship and love and of course a family that has never stopped loving me or more importantly, supporting me. And now life has handed me another bonus – my CEA levels are DOWN!!
For those who know – I have been dealing with “C” for sometime now. It went from bad to worse several months ago. Chemo has been, shall we say, “fun.” I must admit, I do tarot readings for nurses and PA’s (I think that is the right abbreviation) when I am having my treatments and it is always fun. One my my nurses once said to me that she had been talking to a friend about me and said this, “We have this crazy woman who does not understand she is supposed to be wiped out after her treatments. She waits a while after we are done, and the heads off to some photography event or gala or who knows what – she simply doesn’t know when to quit!” Of course when she told me this, I could not stop smiling. Regardless of all this has done to me I was NOT going to let it get to me.
Recently however – a few weeks ago, another friend, well she tore into me. She told me how I was not doing what I needed to do, I had missed a couple of chemo sessions and I seemed to have already given up. In a way, perhaps in that brief moment – a 2-3 week period – I had. She woke me up to reality. In the past 3 weeks I have stuck to all my meds, treatments and positive attitude even more. I’ve changed my diet a bit and my friends see me out shooting events or even playing the drums or percussion at Uncommon Ground (every Monday – remember!?) Oh and my ex – the one I moved here with two years ago – is finally no longer a part of my life. (we had bought a condo, and well it was messy, but that is over with as well) . As all these things go on around me, a call from my doctor a few days ago simply said, “CEA is below 400!” And if you know cancer, well, I was at 1300 when this all started and after 2 surgeries, and all the treatments, it is below 400 and dropping!
WOO HOO!!!
They say, (yes, them again) that when life hands you lemons you make lemonade – well I have and I will continue to do so. I will stick to all I am doing and more importantly, the positive attitude that I have will see me through all of this.
Last night I shot another event – for CNOW (Chicago Chapter of NOW) and the women and men at this wonderful event continued to inspire and push me to be even better. I love you all – those that I see daily and those I only run into from time to time.
Chicago is an incredible city which has given me even more incredible opportunities. I know this blog entry sounds a little sappy, but I guess it is something I want to share, so I hope you will indulge me just a little more.
When I first moved here – I was in a bad place with a job I did not like and a relationship that was toxic. I fell into a pit that I never thought I would come out of. And then, the Gay Games appeared on the horizon and a new job offer popped up. I changed jobs – the relationship ended and she moved away – AND the Gay Games gave me an opportunity to be a part of something I could only have dreamed of. To all the organizers of the games and all the volunteers, photographers and more – THANK YOU for welcoming me into the fold of this great organization. And after all of this, a beautiful book has just been published of the incredible images of the games – but I will write about that more in another entry.
Fast forward to today – I host the Open Mic at Uncommon Ground every Monday now – surrounded by incredible musicians and talent – stop by sometime. I am surrounded by more friends than I have ever had , and even my music is filling my life in ways I did not imagine before. I was a part of two HRC galas, LCCP, Howard Brown Center, The Center on Halsted and more. I continue to shoot for Windy City Times and my photography is actually known around town. I have wonderful opportunities to meet celebrities from all walks of life as well as THE movers and shakers in the LGBT community. And now, on top of it all – the cancer is retreating!!!
Now, as I look back on the past 2 years – a difficult journey to say the least, but one that taught me much. I will continue to look forward – at all the beauty that life has to offer and be happier than I have ever been!
Life truly is Beautiful!
Peace, love and light,
Kat
Permalink
09.23.07
Posted in Journal at 12:00 am by kat
Perhaps some of you recognize the words in the title of this entry – from a song – from the world’s greatest poet – “Kermit the Frog.” And then again, perhaps not. In any case, it is from “It’s not easy being green.”
So why am I writing about that? I guess I was wondering why life is what it is, but mostly, why are people the way they are?
I am old enough to have been in a few relationships. Some good and some bad. Not much different than most people I am sure. We all have our stories. And yet, I wonder – why do some hold on to us? Or more correctly, why do we hold on to the past and the ones we thought we loved and some we simply walk away without a single thought?
And in addition, have you ever wondered why some become bitter – and angry – and why that anger turns to mean-ness? (is meanness a word?) I often find myself looking back at past relationships and wondering all of these questions. What could I have done differently? Should I have tried to save this relationship or that one, or should I have let it go? Was it my fault? Was it her fault? Was it anyone’s fault? Why are we always looking to place blame? And – why do the friends we once had as a couple – why must they choose sides?
I guess even in the straight world, as well as the LGBT world – all of these questions exist.
I don’t have the answers – as in most of my posts, I simply wonder – and ponder the meaning to it all. I will sit and wonder about these questions and more. I will look back on my past and try to answer some of the questions and yet others I will not even give a moments thought. And if I find any of the answers – perhaps I will post them – and then again, I doubt I will find these answers or so many more that I find myself wondering about in my daily meditations.
Namaste,
Kat
Permalink
09.02.07
Posted in Journal at 12:01 am by kat
The Norse Goddess Freyja is the goddess of creativity, love and beauty and she is known to explore the issue of Power through her connections with warring Aesir and peaceful Vanir. The Norse divided their gods and goddesses into two groups – the Vanir and the Aesir. To put it simply – the Vanir lived as one with the earth amd the Aesir first developed tools and weapons. Both the earth and the tools created become at odds – in a battle. As such the Vanir offered Freyja, their Goddess of beauty to bridge the gap between these two. She became the symbol of true power – power that lies within – the ability to choose between aggression and passivity at the right time. Sometimes when we consider the need to express power, we forget the best way to do it – we react instead of observing.
Who wields power? True power? Those who would lash out or those who step back to see the effect they have on those they touch? And who do we allow to have power over us? Is it a choice? I believe it is. I believe we allow some souls to hurt us – to use power in a way that causes us pain – emotionally or physically. Just as someone might hit us with a fist, causing a bruise or welt – those with power over our emotions cause unseen welts and bruises internal to us that take a much longer time to heal.
No matter how strong you are – no matter how thick the walls you have put up to protect yourself – no matter how guarded your feelings and emotions – there are those that we let in. Those that we allow the walls to come down for. We do this because, in a way, we allow them to use the power they have to bridge these walls – these barriers. And yet, if we are not careful, the same power they have can be used to inflict pain that causes wounds that can take a very long time to heal.
I wonder who has power over me? I am sure you wonder the same. Who has power over you? We have all found that there are those in our lives that have hurt us – from past relationships to friends – or people we once called friends. And sometimes, those who have hurt us have no idea what they have done. It amazes me that the power to hurt is sometimes so subtle, that, well, people simply don’t realize they possess it. And yet too, is it ourselves that have given them this power over us? Perhaps the power would have been lessoned if a small part of the walls we use to protect ourselves had stayed up.
I recently let down my walls. After a long period. I did so to someone who had no power over me at first, and the walls continued to fall. I let her in, to my emotional castle – and let the walls come down. My friends warned me. They told me not to. They told me to keep up my walls and walk away. I did not listen because I believed. I believed in the nature of things and the trust that this person instilled in me. It reminded me of a line in “Star Trek – Insurrection” (for those trekkers out there) when Donna Murphy’s character looked at Patrick Stewart standing outside her door and said, “I wonder if you realize how much trust you instill in those around you?” This person I let in had the same power over me. She instilled a trust that, well, I had not felt in a very long time. And even though I was warned byt so many, I let the walls down.
The power she held over me – that I allowed her to hold over me – to bring joy or pain – was great. I gave her that power because I shared with her my Goddess – Freyja – my Goddess of Beauty. I shared with her my inner soul – my inner self that I don’t let out to many. I opened up.
Today I hurt. The bruises – the welts – are deep. They will take a long time to heal. My walls are back up. I will not give anyone this power again – for a very long time. I will question those who attempt to get in. I will wonder their motives. All because I let someone have power over me – and perhaps through no fault of her own. She wielded a power over me that she was not aware of because I allowed her this power. I have not done this in years. Was I foolish? I don’t think so, but perhaps careless. The one thing I know is that the power we give to others can be great – and can cause deep, deep wounds. Some of these wounds may never heal and some just take time.
But perhaps it is really ourselves who wield the power – because it is us – it was me – that gave someone else the power to hurt me.
Permalink