08.26.07
Posted in Journal at 10:00 pm by kat
I should be working. I’m not. I should be focusing on positive things. Instead I am thinking of all that is life. For those of you who follow my ramblings, you have seen me write about so many things, including things that are elusive. But why does life throw so many curves at some people and yet, others, they skate through life as though they have not a care in the world?
People say we are put on this earth to learn – lessons that we must learn before moving on. Sometimes we come back because we have not learned what it is we are supposed to learn and other times, we learn and we are done. I know that with the curves – the obstacles – that life has thrown at me, I am not done – not by a long shot.
I am not saying my journey is any harder than anyone else’s or that the curves in my road are any more difficult. I guess I am just saying I have much to learn and perhaps many more lives to learn it.
Along this journey, I have learned of the elusiveness of love – true love that is. I have learned that the emotions that we all exhibit can sometimes be false and at times, they can lead us down the wrong path. Sometimes there are emotions or symptoms of emotions that – at least to me – well, I just don’t believe them. Please tell me what a “rebound” is?
People talk about being a “rebound” – the say that because they came from a bad relationship they can not fall in love again for fear of being a rebound or they won’t let themselves fall for someone until they are “over” the past. I do understand that part. It took me time to get over my ex – I admit it. It was a learning experience in deed. A hard journey and a hard lesson was learned in my last relationship, but it was learned. Someone said to me recently that she could not let down her walls or allow me in for fear that I was a rebound. I truly believe that things happen when they happen, not because of a past relationship. Not because something happened previously. I did not meet this amazing woman because of her ex. I met her because we were meant to meet at sometime in our lives. Seems simple to me. And yet, even as this most amazing individual has entered my life, just as quickly she has left – for one reason – fear of my being a rebound.
The tears have not stopped most of the day. I will miss her – and yet I never had the chance to really know her. Or perhaps more to the point, many would think I had no chance to know her – as it was only 2 weeks. But to me time has never been something I think of. I look within people – to see their soul – their aura – and you know that a person is beautiful from the moment you meet them. The rest of the time is spent enjoying each other’s company along a journey that we call life. I have met people who were married 2 weeks after meeting. I have met people who were married 2 years after meeting. Some last – some do not. That is not my point. I don’t know what the journey would have been with this woman. But I do know I may never have the chance to know her – to share with her – something that might have been special – because of something I don’t fully understand I guess. One thing I do know – I will miss her – more than I can explain. I will miss her with all my heart and soul – and yet, only 2 weeks…
I don’t understand all these curves and obstacles that have been placed before me in my life’s journey. I am not fully aware of what I am supposed to learn. But I do know what hurt feels like. I do know the pain of losing something special. I know what it is to wonder, “What might have been….”
Good night,
Kat
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08.16.07
Posted in Journal at 12:00 am by kat
So here I am rambling again. I was watching MSNBC this morning, and last night I was watching – yes, Bill O’Reilly.. Yes, yes, I know he is a nut job – you don’t have to tell me. But there are times, when I want to see what these loony’s are saying. So here is the newest bit of wisdom by Bill “O” — The movie – “The Bourne Ultimatum” is anti-american! Yep, you heard right. Mr. O – the chief nut job, thinks a movie where a guy fights back at being betrayed, etc, is anti-american.
Ok, I have seen the first two movies. They were fun. Matt Damon is perfect in the role, just as Sean Connery was a perfect James Bond. So now we have closure (no spoilers here) to a great series. And some right-wing nut-job is attacking the movie.
BILL!!! It is a MOVIE! Get over it!! There are more important things going on in the world – like your loony appointed President and his endless war and people dying for oil and the companies you support making money from all the bloodshed. And you are worried about some stupid movie? I used to think you were nuts — now I *KNOW* it.
Now, as a tropical storm dumps a ton of rain on Texas – flooding has begun as I type this entry. Where is the other nut job – Pat Robertson? Remember when he was telling the world that Katrina was his god’s punishment on New Orleans which was hosting an LGBT event there? Well, what is going on in Texas Mr. Robertson? Why is your god punishing your president’s home state? Perhaps because”W” is a nut job as well? Is your god telling the world something? Or is it all just nature at work – the same as it was with Katrina and you are just another nut job like your buddy Bill? I vote for the latter.
Yes, I am liberal. Most people know that. But I am not overly so. I believe in a strong military – for defense. I believe in a small government – which is something the right wing nut jobs used to believe in – but no longer. I sit back and watch Fox Noise and the other nut jobs and listen to the drivel they spew from their mouths. I just don’t understand. If it were up to them we would build a 100 meter high fence around the whole bloody country, we would record every email, phone call and more of every American, we would racially profile everyone, or better yet, just kick out anyone who does not agree with the nut jobs. Oh, and we would simply use the military to go into any country that has something we want and we would take it – whether it be oil or whatever.
I don’t understand them. I don’t understand the hatred that Fox Noise and Bill O and Pat Robertson (the so called ‘christian’) and all the other nut jobs spit from their mouths. Nothing that anyone does that is not in 100% agreement with them is good enough. Everything is absolute. I just don’t get it.
I will continue to fight for my rights and everyone else in the LGBT community. I will stand up to those would would judge us (Hmm, Bill O comes to mind) and I will also stand up for those who can’t do it for themselves – animals (Mr. Vick you are despicable and belong in jail – PERIOD!). But would someone please tell the nut jobs that a movie is a movie and let people live their lives and stop telling us that everything we read, watch, breath or eat is wrong.
Oh, and while you are at it – could you do us all a favor, and help cut green house gases and just stop talking? It could solve an awful lot of problems with one simple action. 
Hey, and come to think of it – if you are so gung-ho for the war, how about we just raise the age for people to serve – I am sure you would not mind standing on the front lines with a weapon and standing a watch?
Ok, I will stop now…
Peace,
Kat
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08.07.07
Posted in Journal at 1:30 am by kat
I have been violated.. It sucks. I have never known this feeling. I don’t know how to explain it. And yet, perhaps it is on a simple scale as compared with what many have been through in life.
My ATM card was cloned. If you don’t know what that is – well, imagine that the crooks put a special reader inside a normal bank or other ATM. You can’t see it and the ATM machine works like normal. You put your card in – get your money and leave. But, when you put your card in, the crooks reader got your mag stripe info and your pin. Poof – clone and they go on a field day to get money from ATMs around the city or the country.
Is it on the level if identity theft? No. They got a good chunk of money – for 4 days – before the bank notified me. And yes, I will get my money back, but the criminals will most likely get away with it. I was not the only one. At least 9 other people who bank at my branch had this done as well, and it looks like, according to my sources, this is something that happened recently on a nationwide scale for the bank in question. I am sure they will make good on giving everyone their money back, but it is not about that.
They stole from me – and I was not even there to stop them. I was not hit on the head and had my purse stolen – I was not robbed where I might have seen the criminal and been able to report it. It was a crime that I will most likely never know who did it. In my case, they took money from at least 4 places in and around Chicago and it infuriates me to know how unlikely it is they will be caught!
So now I wait. I will get my money back. Things will get back to normal, but I sit around and wonder – what else?
Last year, I was mugged walking home – from of all places, Church! Ok, I should not have been walking at 1 am but it was such a nice evening so I walked there at 7pm, and well, was not thinking of the lateness of my return journey. I don’t remember much. I felt a sharp pain and saw a bright flash (most likely from being hit) and then I was looking up at a couple of people who had seen it and rushed to me. I was taken to the hospital for observation overnight and went home the next day. $200 had been removed from my purse, but at least my cards were still there – my Tarot cards – which mean a lot to me.
The day after I came home, I rested – felt the bump on my head and took my pain meds. But I had been violated. So close to my own home – only 3 blocks – and I did not understand what I did to deserve it. For weeks I thought how stupid I was to walk home and yet I was angry, because only 7 blocks from my home I should be able to! The emotions were mixed. The same as now. 
No physical harm came to me this time. I did not wake up in a hospital or anything so dramatic, but it still leaves a sickly feeling all over you – as though you are dirty in some way – a way you can’t explain.
I could not even begin to understand what it might be to be raped – it is has never happened. I can, I think, understand a small part of the feelings that come with it. The anger, followed by hatred of the criminals. The frustration – and fear and perhaps most of all, the feeling that makes you wonder, “Was I to blame some how?”
Rape is 1000 times more than the emotional turmoil of having money taken from you, but there are many crimes in this world that leave us feeling “violated” in so many ways. Each in a way unique to the crime. There are no pills to take – no pain meds that take it away, and I doubt anything like anti-depressants or the like would take it away either. You are left to think and contemplate what you have been through – in your own way – finding some way to accept it and not blame yourself. Especially in the horrible crime of rape, where so many times, they try to blame you for “asking for it.” What a horrible way to portray a victim of such a terrible crime! I never understood that. I wonder – I just wonder – if a man could be raped by a woman, would that defense no longer hold water? Would a defense attorney say that the man was “asking for it” based on his clothes or the way he walked or how he looked? It is unlikely that this will hold water if the tables were turned.
In a few days, or perhaps a week, I will get over these feelings. I will move on with my life. North Halsted Market Days is this weekend. I will be out with friends and my camera – and hopefully all these feelings will fade. But do they ever fully go away, or some day, in another instance, will the feelings of “violations” return?
I don’t know..
Kat
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