07.22.07
Posted in Journal at 12:00 am by kat
What is love? Now there is a question I have wondered all my life and I am sure a few of you have as well. Can you define it? Can you put it into words? While you are at it, please tell me why it is so elusive? I want to post a survey – all those who have found your soulmate, please stand up. But how did you know? How many have had multiple soulmates either by choice or you just felt it was your soulmate even though you thought that was true in your last relationship?
Of course we have all heard of that wonderful cliche’ that love comes when you least expect it. If that is true, why are the online personals so popular? Why are so many people “seeking” it? I have to admit, it came to me once or twice when I least expected it. But there were also a couple of times that I found it while I was looking. And if it is so elusive, why do we not fight harder to keep it? I mean look at the divorce rate in the straight community – and we all know that the LGBT community has nothing to do with the sky high rate. I really think it is nothing more than people no longer fight for anything (other than oil, but that is another story all about the idiot in chief – “W”). It seems to me, that watching billboards go up all over the country about low cost divorce attorneys, quick, uncontested divorces and so much more, that you get the idea that the straight community has lost touch with what love is all about and finding that elusive life partner.
In the gay community love does seem to be a bit more elusive. I see more people questioning where it is, but could that be because I am a little older? Perhaps. I know that in my case I have more love in my heart and soul than the average person – ok, that is a bit egotistical, but I have been told that a few times – so pardon my ego for a moment *lol*. And yet, it still eludes me. I did have it about a year and a half ago. At least it felt like it. But that is the problem – when I look back, after over a year of being split, I find myself saying, “Was it really love or was it simply, as they say, infatuation?” And I know I am not the only one who has these thoughts. The longer the separation, regardless of how we felt during the relationship, the easier it is to say, “But that was not true love.”
If I go back and re-read my journals from that period, it really seemed like I was in love – and her too. Although I had to rely on my perception of her feelings and trusting and believing her when she said I was her soulmate. But it all seemed like it was perfect and it would last forever. And yet, it did not last even 2 years. Was I wrong? Was I simply living a lie? Is love that confusing that I can’t tell love from “heavy like”? And if that is the case, do I want to risk trying again?
And that brings up another question – if someone has a limited time remaining in their physical life, do they have a right to be even seeking out “love” or should they give up? Is it fair to seek something when you know you have a few years to be able to share it? But doesn’t that mean you are judging a potential partner before you even know? Shouldn’t they be the one to decide if they want to love you, knowing that you have a limited time together? Raises all sorts of questions that I don’t know the answers to.
Ok, now for another question – what is this whole thing about physical vs. emotional love? I have met people who are “friends with benefits”, or worse, “best friends with benefits.” People who say they love their best friend – but they would never marry them, but they love having sex with them. What is that all about? I guess I am old fashion since I have never been able to do the sex thing without being in love – or at least knowing I was falling in love. And yet I still can’t define it. I mean, this is what Wikipedia says:
“Love is a constellation of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection or profound oneness.[1] The meaning of love varies relative to context. Romantic love is seen as an ineffable feeling of intense attraction shared in passionate or intimate attraction and intimate interpersonal and sexual relationships.[2] Though often linked to personal relations, love is often given a wider connection, a love of humanity, of nature, with life itself, or a oneness with the universe, a universal love or karma. Love can also be construed as Platonic love,[3] religious love,[4] familial love, and, more casually, great affection for anything considered strongly pleasurable, desirable, or preferred, to include activities and foods.[5][2] This diverse range of meanings in the singular word love is often contrasted with the plurality of Greek words for love, reflecting the concept’s depth, versatility, and complexity.”
Someone explain all that to me, PLEASE. If it is so confusing in wikipedia, how are we, as mere mortals, supposed to figure it out? And if you have figured it out and have been with the same person for decades, please tell me how you found it and how do you define it?
I guess in all the mystery, perhaps that is the secret to love and why it is so elusive. We can’t define it fully, so that is why it is hard to find. And then when we do find it we keep defining and re-defining it so that sometimes it gets so confusing we end it in search of something else that is a new definition in our minds.
My parents have been married for 58 years – and I can’t even imagine. And yet they had a gay daughter – take THAT right wing nut jobs – it has nothing to do with “environment” – oops, I digress here…
I guess I wonder how they found love and how do they define it. I know, growing up, I saw them fight. And I saw them be “in love” too. Was it easier back then? Do our lives have so much else to deal with that love is something we simply do not have as much time for as we once did? And with that, why do so many people say that the “career comes first,” when discussing their relationships?
So I ask you all who read this – help define it. What is love and why is it so elusive? If you have found it, then share with others the secret. And should those of us with limited lifetimes still be searching? I await your answer – and I guess while I am waiting, I will continue my search…
Peace, love and light
Kat
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07.16.07
Posted in Journal at 10:39 am by kat
Was there really a “Pandora’s Box?” Did a container exist, that when opened, let loose on the world all the diseases that we have today? I don’t know the answer to this, and honestly, I don’t believe it. I do believe that just as we have evolved, so to have the tiniest of enemies that we face. One thing I am also well aware of – a cliche’ that many have heard I am sure – “Don’t take life for granted.”
Many of my friends know of my journey and how I got here to Chicago. I moved here with my ex in 2005. (hint – don’t date someone 20 years younger than you!) Soon after, we had our issues and we chose different paths. I remained in Chicago to begin my life. For a year it was a lot of up and down emotions – and then, as 2006 neared it’s end, I was confronted with an illness. I am sorry, if I have not shared with you the details, well, I am not going to spend that time here – suffice to say, it has not been an enjoyable part of my journey.
So now, here we are – halfway through 2007 – and my battle continues. I don’t write this for pity or sympathy – on the contrary, my friends know this is the last thing I want. I write this because I wonder. I wonder a lot about all that is around us and who decides who lives and dies.
I grew up being interested in both music and science. I remember someone I was introduced to in both print and watching him on TV – Stephen Hawking. I read his books and was fascinated by his theories of the universe and how it all worked. I was also saddened to know that this man – perhaps one of the greatest minds this world would know – at least in my lifetime – was stricken with Lou Gehrig’s disease. His ability to share his “mind” and his thoughts will all of us, not to mention his closest friend and family – was being stripped from him. His life will end someday – I will cry. I will wonder how much more he could have brought to the world – to us – had he not been crippled by this horrible illness. What did he do to deserve this?
A dear friend of mine has HIV. Why? What brought this horrible illness to this world and who has decided who will get it and who will not? Who decided that 3000+ people would die on 9/11? What did they do wrong? My father spent his life fighting for our freedoms in the military. He survived the end of WW II, and each war after that. Who decided?
During the time that I have been fighting my illness I have met a 19 year old who suffers the same thing. They give her a few years. She fights. She is an incredibly inspiring person. At 47 – even I am looking up to her! I have met someone 71, with the same condition. She too is strong – perhaps stronger than me. Why do either of these people have this horrible illness? What did they do wrong?
Certainly, as you read this, you know my comments are not “literal” – but are meant to stir your imagination – your thoughts – your mind. I watched TV after 9/11 and listened to Jerry Falwell say that it was “the gays and the feminists who brought this all on.” He went on to say that god was angry and punishing America. I have heard Pat Robertson say that those in Katrina’s path were punished by god because a large LGBT convention was to occur there. I don’t know how many of these phony preachers spout this garbage. I know I have heard many more say that HIV is a plague god brought upon gays – if this is true – then why has your god taken so many “straights” with the same disease? If your god is so powerful to destroy us, how come this same god makes horrible mistakes and kills others who had nothing to do with it? And yes, for those who are spiritual and understand or know God – I have written god in lowercase to show that the god that these hateful people worship is simply not worthy of a capital “G”. But I digress.
So why do so many good people die? Why are lives cut short by disease and sickness and accidents and more?
I guess perhaps my own beliefs and faiths are tested as my friends and family tell me constantly – and most recently, just this weekend – that I am constantly in their prayers and thoughts. I thank you all for all that you give to me. But don’t you think that Stephen Hawking was in the prayers of his family? Why did it not help? Why, when the twin towers were hit – when all Americans and more, prayed for those still trapped, did they have to die? Why are millions dying in Dar fur? Is it simply because not enough are praying for them? Did they do something wrong?
I don’t know the real purpose of this posting. Perhaps it is just to validate the other cliche’ – that “God works in mysterious ways.” Maybe I am just rambling on a Monday that makes me wonder about the lives we live and the mortality that we all face?
Maybe – in all of this – no one decides anything, which of course is what I believe. Maybe it is all about the true cliche’ and that would be, “Live each day as if it is your last!” Never take life for granted. Never take people for granted. Don’t judge – instead, fill your life with love and friendships and all that makes you happy. As Oprah might tell you – well, I don’t remember the words she used, but it all has to do with “random acts of kindness.” I still smile at strangers. I still tell people I don’t know that they look wonderful today. I bring chocolates to flight crews on flights I am on. I surprise my friends with flowers when they least expect it. Or more simply, I tell those around me how much I love them – each and every day. Because, honestly, we really don’t know when we may lose that most precious of gifts – life itself.
Namaste,
Kat
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07.02.07
Posted in Journal at 11:00 pm by kat
Even in the LGBT community – why do we judge and/or condemn others who are different? We ask that the world accepts us – that we, as a community be accepted as equals to all other people in the world. And yet, we look within our own community and we judge.
I just was reading some personal ads and I have seen this many times before – “Sorry, no bisexuals” Last time I looked LGBT has a “B” in it. So why do we judge? Another ad read, “Sorry no tranny freaks.” That one, well, “T” is also a letter in LGBT. Have we resorted to name calling within our own? The funny thing was, the last ad with the “freaks” remark was posted by a beautiful black woman. I wonder how she would feel or react if she found in another ad, “sorry, no blacks.” In fact, I wonder if the editors of that site might be inclined to edit that one or simply not post it?
Recently I was asked to photograph much of the pride events throughout Chicago. I wondered quietly to myself when a few days after Pride ended – or so I thought – that “Black Pride” started. Why? If we are all in the LGBT community why do we need to segregate ourselves? I saw this in Atlanta too – where I used to live. I guess call me naive or simply “out of the loop” but I don’t get it.
I have shared this story with friends before, but I will share it again here. Although it is not about prejudce in the community it shows another aspect that I was blown away by. I was dating a lovely woman a few years back – and she was black. We went to a restaurant that I loved and knew the owner and many of the staff. After about 3 hours of a wonderful time we decided to leave. As she was ahead of me and through the first set of doors, two of the waiters whom I knew, leaned into me and said, “We know you are a lesbian but couldn’t you at least date a white woman?” Yes, I was shocked. The only good news about this was I went back to the owner and both of these waiters were fired. I guess it is ok to be gay in the south as long as you are racist. (and people wonder why I left the Atlanta!)
But I digress. I simply don’t understand how it happens in our own community. Sure I guess you don’t have to date someone bi or trans or whatever, but do we have to be mean about it? For the same reason I might not date a Capricorn (bad match for me – I’m a Gemini), I don’t go around calling all Capi’s “freaks.” Maybe I prefer a femme over a butch, but I would not put in my ad something derogatory about that part of the community. Ok, so I wear heels and makeup and get my nails done, but that does not mean that other gay women who don’t do these things are any less “gay” (or attractive) than I am. I would not look at them any differently than I would a gay man or a black gay woman or man – someone who is simply a member of our minority fighting for the same rights we all should be.
Could someone please help me to understand – as we continue to move forward – or at least try – and win equal rights for all the letters in the LGBT community – when will we stop judging ourselves?
Peace, love and light
Kat
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