04.29.07
Posted in Journal at 11:00 pm by kat
Well, they say when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade – right? I am not sure if I agree with that any more. Although I am learning to hide my emotions, I guess this is the way I let them out instead. Maybe it is the difference between friends and in some cases, perfect strangers, reading about your issues, vs. having to tell someone.
So it was just 2 days ago I lost another of my kitties. I had 4 just over a month ago, and ironically the day after I started chemo, my oldest died of a hemorrhage to a massive mammary tumor. As you may have read in my previous entry, it killed me. The other day I returned home to find another – my youngest – dead on the floor. I was devastated but also worried. I immediately took my other 2 kitties to the vet along with the body of my youngest. They isolated the two and performed an autopsy on the one. She died of – and I don’t remember all the details they tried to explain to me, but – some sort of massive heart infection. Whether it is similar to a heartworm in a dog, I don’t know. In any case, they checked my other two and put them on high doses of antibiotics and other medications.
This morning I was called and the teenager of the two has died as well. I am numb. As I sit here and wonder what is going on in my life. I have cried for 2 days and yet hid this from friends. I cried again this morning and finally, hours later, I am sitting at my computer trying to make sense of it all.
My oldest, Willow, is still hanging on. She is and has always been my familiar in my readings and more. I don’t know what I will do without her. I am sending all positive light and energy to her as she continues to hang on. The positive note is that the vet did say she seemed quite strong and alert, which indicates she may have beaten it and the first 48 hours are key. If she makes it through tomorrow, all should be well.
So where is the lemonade? What am I supposed to do? There are no lemons here – only sadness and sorrow. Three very special souls have passed on and I loved them so much. There are those who look at pets as possessions and those of us who know our pets are indeed members of our family. I am walking around today in a fog. I will go on, but honestly, my home is so much more empty. In less than 1 month 3 beautiful and loving animals have crossed over. I simply don’t know what to do anymore. It all seems pointless.
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04.08.07
Posted in Journal at 3:44 pm by kat
So much in life is a mystery. Even as a Tarot reader – I see so many things for so many people other than myself. I help others. I do what I can. And yet – my own life is so confusing and so painful – and I never see it coming. I wonder if this is how it is supposed to be? I mean I have never heard Sylvia Brown or John Edward talk about reading themselves or even any other intuitive for that matter – but perhaps I digress…
A few months ago I had colon cancer. It was a small tumor. It was cut out. I was told I was clear. My CEA looked great (if you don’t know what that is, it is simply a measure of antigens in the blood that helps doctors see if cancer may or may not be present) That was just before Thanksgiving. I had much to give thanks for. I was alive. I continued to believe in the love of my partner and so much more. My life was full. I looked forward to going home for the holidays. Then a few weeks ago I was told my CEA was elevated. The cancer was back. Stage II. Not life threatening at this point, but persistent to say the least. I began chemo this past Monday. My body feels like it is in a war zone. Perhaps there is a good and bad about it – at least I am on a new type of chemo that is a pill I am on for 2 weeks, then off for 1, then back on 2 etc. But the side effects are the same. My body fights the cancer and yet it seems to fight me. At this period in my life, I have never felt more alone than in the 46+ years I have been on this earth.
I love my friends – don’t get me wrong – but what can a friend do when you go through this? When you live alone and there is no one? And this week – the pain of my life continued – as I awoke on the 2nd day of chemo to find one of my four kitties in a pool of blood. Long story short – after a fast trip to the vet – I discovered a mammary tumor that she had torn open with her back claws. She hid it from me for who knows how long. This beautiful creature – Sylvia – had lived in a shelter for over 4 years – no one loved her until my g/f and I brought her home. In the first week she purred so much I never thought she would stop. And the funny thing about her – she did not meow like other cats – instead she made a barking noise – very soft, but still more like a bark. I guess in the shelter she had such a hard time with all the other cats, perhaps she tried to scare them away by pretending to be a dog? By 11am Wednesday morning, Sylvia had gone to sleep and would not return – at least not in this body. After some unknown period of time, I finally left the vet. As I did, it began to softly snow – just a little and then it stopped. Sylvia wanted me to know she was not in pain anymore.
Why did I not see this? Why did I not feel something in my own kitty months earlier? Why did I not know my own cancer was back? How is it that so much in life can be written right in front of us when it comes to those around us, but when it is yourself – you seem to lose all vision?
This week has been hell. I have not moved much. I have spent much of the time on the couch or sitting at my silly computer. I tried to go to Starbucks Friday morning and well, that did not go well – I threw up after two sips of my drink. Note to self – Starbucks is not good during chemo – at least not for me. I am alone. On Wednesday the love of my life was there with me – on the phone – sharing in the sadness of the loss of our Sylvia. She was our first cat we got together. And yet, the rest of the week we have fought. I never saw it coming. And now I am more alone than I ever was.
How do you live when your life seems meaningless? What do you do when cold people around you say things like, “You will be ok, you have 3 other cats” ?? Can you believe that was said? Like she was a broken toy or something.
My friends know of my struggle – to find happiness with the only woman I have ever truly loved, and yet that too has fallen to the wayside. I have let her go. The emotions within me are so confusing – from the joy of spending a weekend with her last week at The Dinah, to the sadness as she left to go back to Atlanta and me to Chicago. I don’t want pity. I don’t know what I want. I wish I did. I wish I could find a way to use this gift of mine – of seeing other people’s lives and their directions – on myself. I can’t.
If you have read this, you are perhaps one of my friends – and if not, you are thinking “what a train wreck.” In the case of my friends – thank you all. For those I have told of this, you have offered your friendship and caring, and I do appreciate that. But when you go through something like this – and for me it is now the third time – without the woman you know you were meant to be with – there is simply no emotion that can describe that feeling.
Perhaps I have shared too much. All I know is – a week ago – I was scared but she was with me. I knew I could get through this. Now, as I travel this path alone – I am no longer sure. Perhaps this is one of the “downs” that they say you sometimes get when dealing with this decease? Is it? I wish my cards would tell me…
-Kat
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