02.27.07
Relationships
Have you ever wondered why relationships are so important in this thing we call “life?” I know I have – many times. Friendships, first-loves, lovers, ex’s, and soulmates – so many to choose from – so many to deal with.
I have had many friendships in my life – and have lost many friends because of horrible tragedies. Friends who have died at their own hand, others in car accidents and others, who in a way, died of their own hand, but by causing someone else to have to kill them. One friend – who was tired of the hatred and ridicule and sadness in her life – did all she could until one day, she drank to a point, and then called the police to say she would kill herself. When they arrived they found her – at 5’11” tall – with a large knife and apparently wanting to do harm to herself and others if approached. After over 2 hours of trying to “talk her down” she charged the police officers and they had no recourse but to open fire. She was pronounced dead at the hospital. Some might say, “why did they not shoot to wound?” Well, as someone who once carried a weapon – the time is short, and you do not think – “aim to wound” – when you are in fear of your life. But that is not the point. Her suicide note was found and it actually left an apology to whomever she placed in the position of having to take her life. She knew what she was doing but could not do it herself. Another lost her life on Sept. 11th, but that is for another entry. But all of these losses are painful – because it is a physical and emotional loss. And yet there are other types of loss.
Throughout my life I have also loved and lost. And in that time I have wondered why it hurts so much. Why can it hurt so much when someone leaves us for one reason or another? And why is there “jealousy?” And why does this emotion evoke such pain and discomfort? I know of someone – her and her partner – to be exact – are incredibly jealous. They each would “prefer” that the other not attend gay/lesbian events on their own – because, as they say, “It really is like the L Word you know!” I was shocked when I heard this. Both of these women are beautiful beyond most – in fact, I might call them both “stunning.” And yet neither trusts each other to be with other gay women. It amazes me and confuses me all at the same time. I mean, I have to admit, I am not a huge fan of the L Word – mostly because it really is not about real life. Sure there is a lot of “drama” out there, but in this small group of women – well, they have enough drama for 100 “Dynasty” shows… (for those of you old enough to remember that show) So I guess I really don’t believe that the L Word kind of drama really happens in the Lesbian community. I mean do we all really want to sleep with as many women as we can? Do we go out just to take someone home? Why are we so jealous if another woman talks to our g/f or partner?
Why do I ask these questions? Simple – I am guilty of the jealousy myself. It has ruined a relationship or two for me. And yet I sit and wonder why I let it. Why would something that you have no control of – the actions of another – reach out to you and make you crazy? I wish I knew – so I could find a way to resolve it. But I guess the number of books written on relationships and these feelings have tried to do the same thing – but no one has the magic answer. Even “The Four Agreements”, or “Mastery of Love”, both by Don Miguel Ruiz, do not answer all the questions. I wish they did. Neither addresses the issues of how we deal with someone’s “ex”? I mean, look at the straight world and the differencees. In the gay and lesbian world, why do we find so many who stay connected to an ex? How many of you who are straight and happen to read my blogs have stayed friends with an ex wife or husband? Maybe I am crazy – maybe it exists more than I know, and if that is the case, please share with me your thoughts. I just don’t think this is something that happens all the often and yet I have read how it is more commonplace in the gay world than we sometimes want to believe.
When an “ex” is in the picture – how do we deal with it? How do we accept or deny the fact that they are friends with the person you are in love with? Certainly your partner might tell you it is nothing but a friendship, and yet, regardless of what you believe, would you not find yourself always wondering – “what if…” I mean, “What if there was still a spark?” Or worse – what if the L Word is true? What if we really are just out for sex with many women and therefore the realtionships are secondary? I do have one friend who makes Shane (or Papi) look tame really, but she lives in Florida. But yes, she has no real relationships – she simply has “sex”, and the people she has sex with all pretty much accept her this way. Not me. I have never understood that and never will.
I wish I understood relationships. I wish I understood more of how sex is something that drives people so much. I wish I understood how some people have “friends with benefits.” And what if an ex was a friend – with benefits? Sometimes it is simply too much to try to understand – I guess I will go back to reading the books that promise to have the answer…
