06.19.08
Posted in Journal at 2:00 am by kat
I am blessed! I don’t know how else to put it - I am truly blessed to be surrounded each and every week by such incredible talent that is all about the Chicago Music scene..
As many of you know, each week I host the Shure Open Mic performance at each Uncommon Ground location - Mondays at Clark and Tuesdays at Devon. Every 6 months we take the winners from each week and ask them to compete for the top spots and money and prizes.
On Monday this week we held the Clark Semi-Finals putting the top 20 performers from Clark competed for 7 slots moving to the finals on Wednesday.
On Tuesday, the Devon Semi-Finals took place and another 23 performers competed for 7 more slots to move on to the finals. Of course if you know me, each week I have a hard time counting - and Tuesday was no different, since somehow 8 spots moved on to the finals! (Hey, you try judging these incredible performers!) 
Last night it all came to a head when 15 of the top musical talents from around the Chicagoland area put it all out there for a fantastic audience and our judges. I was recently at the True Colors concert with Cyndi Lauper, the B52’s and many other performers and I have to say last nights finals put that concert to shame!!
I honestly have no idea how to put into words the excitement I felt last night at each and every performance. Some regulars were there of course and some new comers to the Chicago music scene. I sat back and just took in some of the best music this city has to offer.
As hostess and sound engineer it is my job to keeps things flowing and run the sound. And yes, I screw up - just like lastn ight when I left the piano on mute the first 30 seconds of one performer. Of course feedback is your friend - NOT, but it does occur and I hate it when it does. But for the most part - very few techinical issues occurred.
I want to write about each and every performer, and I plan to do so - for now, I just want to thank a few people - and acknowledge the winners of course. But I have to first and foremost thank Uncommon Ground, Mike and Helen and of course the entire staff that makes Uncommon Ground a true family venue. Each week each and everyone one of the staff of UG put forth a great effort to support all the music that is highlighted here. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
Mike and Helen are perhaps one of the most giving couples I have ever met when it comes to the music scene. They truly love and support all the music that comes into Uncommon Ground and to both of them, a huge thank you. And BTW I screwed up and scheduled the finals when they were away - which is the only reason you did not see them but rest assured, I won’t do that again!
The guest judges - Allison, Christopher, David and of course Kristin - to you all - Thank you for taking some of this burdon of trying to judge this talent off of me. IT IS HARD! I owe you all!
And now to the musicians. I started this blog saying I am blessed and I truly mean that. I LOVE music more than you know and to be a part of this each week - to listen to the talent and hear each of you perform - I am truly honored to be a part of it all!
Last night 4 of you just took it up a bit more and I hope you all realize just how much talent you bring to these performances… The voting was tight and we had a last minute “Sing Off” for the order of the top 4 spots. WOW!
The First Place prize of $1000 was taken by a two time winner - Crystal Bowersox. Girl, you rocked the house last night!! Congratulations to a new comer, Jess Godwin who took 2nd place of $300 after a come from 3rd “Sing Off” performance that just made the judges take a second look. That is what this is all about! Third Place of $200 went to Lindsey Czechowicz who just made everyone stop and take notice. You are indeed an artist! And finally, we just could not do just the top 3 last night - so my thanks to a fantastic performer, who came in and walked away with $100 Fourth Place prize - Brian Walker!
There was not anyone who could not have won last night! I said it last night, I wish I could have just given each of you $1000!! I am going to post all of your myspace/web pages here and on my website(s) as soon as I gather them all up.
Thank you again to everyone for an incredible night and I will see you all again for the next round - remember, it all starts up again next Monday at Clark and Tuesday at Devon! And if you have not been to Uncommon Ground before - COME ON OUT!!!
Peace
Kat
PS - if you want to look them up - here are the performers that made this night what it was:
Mark Brink
Jacky Dustin
Heather Styka
Josh Caress
Brian Walker
Jess Godwin
David Kav
Lindsey Czechowicz
IJ Quinn
Dominic Scola
Jeff Brown
Matt Ryd
Emily C Palmer
Ashlee and Chris
Crystal Bowersox
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03.27.08
Posted in Journal at 10:45 pm by kat
I don’t get to post cool things that often..
My photos are the 3rd and 4th
http://www.chicagofreepress.com/node/1542
cheers
Kat
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03.21.08
Posted in Journal at 10:00 pm by kat
Many people know that I think I am simply “average” in looks. I have never claimed to be a hottie and really, it matters little. But today, something happened that both scared me but made me think - “ugh, men.”
I have been hit on in bookstores and coffee shops, by men. Sometimes they have a hard time taking no for an answer. But I digress…
Today, as I was picking up my car at the tire place thanks to Chicago potholes (and after $800 in tires and a cracked rim) I was getting ready to leave. I was standing out next to my car and had come from a luncheon so I was in a skirt and heels (well, ok, I am always in a skirt and heels). I walked around my car to check all 4 tires since 1 rim was replaced and 3 tires. I heard something - a whistle. I happened to glance into the road (Lincoln) and saw some slimy guy in a car, windows rolled down whistling at me. I ignored him and got in my car. Before I could move out into traffic, the light changed (if you know the area it is on Lincoln near Peterson - there is a Goodyear dealer there). The jackass turned the corner and pulled into the dealer parking lot as I pulled out. He got behind me. I knew what he was doing. I pulled across the intersection and decided I would turn into the Borders parking lot up ahead. He followed me. This is a big strip mall and lots of parking. I pulled in and around some cars and tried to “hide”. I could see through parked car windows - I saw his car. Other cars were coming and going, he sat there. He started to move, I backed up and pulled back out. I saw him make a U-turn and follow me.. He got beside me. I finally dialed 911 on my headset and got his license number and was talkign to the dispatcher as they were sending a car to the area. He continued to get beside me, then in front, then back beside me then behind me again.
THIS WAS IN BROAD DAYLIGHT TOO, IN RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC!
I finally got in the lane to turn on Peterson from Lincoln but in the outer lane. He pulled up beside me again. Nothing I could do would lose him. We both started to turn left - I gunned my engine and shot out to the right - straight across Peterson staying on Lincoln as he was now stuck in the turn. I saw and heard him gun his engine and take off now that his “prey” had eluded him.
I did all I could to go in and out of parking lots and uturns and more. I was not going to get out and go into a store as that would leave me walking across the parking lot - regardless of daylight or crowds I had no idea of his intentions.
This has never happened before. I can only now begin to understand the fear that must go through someone in a dark/night time situation in a lonely area and a stranger comes upon them. You know nothing of their intentions and nothing you do gets them to stop following you. And with all the psychos out there with guns and more, you never know.
My tires are fixed. His license number, car and personal description are with the police. Oh and I plan on calling in a favor of who I used to work for to run his plate. (if you know me you know what this means).
Now, what if I were really a hottie? What if this happened to me mroe often? How do others deal with it? Perhaps I am glad I am just average..
-Kat
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01.08.08
Posted in Journal at 6:00 am by kat
2008? I still can’t believe it. Where did 2007 go? It was only 1 year ago that I began hosting the Open Mic at Uncommon Ground and yet it seems like only yesterday. I remember the first few times and meeting some of the artists and recording them and saying to myself, “This is Open Mic?” The performers I have met over the past year are wonderful professionals and artists that have proven to me that true “musical talent” is really out there (with the music scene today, I sometimes wonder)…
I thought I would take a moment and put some positive energy out in the universe regarding these performers…
As I mentioned, it was about a year ago that I started running sound at Uncommon Ground. Around that same time, or shortly after, I was told by my doctors that my cancer had returned from the year before. Talk about a let down. And shortly after that I was told it had spread. Chemo was started, I broke up with an ex (for good this time) and so much more. And yet, as the Universe often does, the negative energy of the chemo and the cancer would soon be replaced by the positive energy of incredible musical artists that I would be interacting with.
I know that music is my passion - it always has been. I have always wanted to do more with it. Is hosting an Open Mic doing much with it? Well, if you had been there last night you would have to say, without hesitation - “YES!”
Last night was the last chance to qualify for our “Grand Finale” on the 14th. This is where all the previous Monday night winners compete for money and prizes. And yet I have to say, last night felt like the Finale itself! The energy, the performances, all of the emotion that filled the air last night - I can’t put it into words. A family of friends and strangers (there were several new performers as well as regulars and past winners) all coming together to support the art that is music. Last night was simply one of the hottest nights of music in the past year!! You could feel all of that energy - the emotion - and more importantly, the passion that each performer feels for their music!
I have been going through chemo for close to 9 months now. Last week I was taken off the IV chemo and left on milder oral chemo (which I can handle). My cancer may not be cured, but I know, in my heart and soul - it will be. Why do I know this? Simple - the energy that exists in the universe - the ebb and flow that we all feel, the energy that was last night and dozens of Mondays previously is what makes it all possible.
I love music - and always will. I will always be amazed at song writers. And I know that all of the positive energy that has been produced in this small “Listening Room” at Uncommon Ground has had a lot to do with my cancer weakening and soon, disappearing altogether… I will continue to try to be the best host I can and encourage all the performers who show up. I may not be a great musician myself, but this is my way of doing something with music in my life.
To all the performers - past and present, whom I have met this past year - Thank you for sharing your talents and gifts with me. I am honored…
The energy of the Universe will continue to flow - and all that is Music will fill the voids…
Namaste,
Kat
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12.21.07
Posted in Journal at 10:38 pm by kat
Wow - another month gone… The year is almost over. What is the most memorable part of the past year? Is there one? We all come up with New Year’s Resolutions every year - well many of us do, but how many people look back at the past year and look at all you have accomplished - or in some cases, did not accomplish?
This year - 2007 - has been filled with so much all over the world - I can’t even begin to think about what has happened in my life. The wars and famine and death and sorrow - over every continent and every country.
I grew up a “trekker” - hooked on Gene Roddenberry’s Utopia that was and still is “Star Trek” and to this day I still believe that some day it will be possible. It will be possible to not hate because someone is different. To not kill in the name of one God or another. To simply live and let live.
To this day, I still watch DVDs of Star Trek TNG and Voyager and yes, DS9. I still believe and hope. As I get older, I do not lose hope. When I look back at 2007 I have doubts, but I don’t lose hope. When I see war mongers such as Bush and Cheney leading this country down the wrong path - I don’t lose hope. When I am told I am bad because I am lesbian - that I will “burn in hell” or some other “christian” belief, I don’t lose hope. I know I was born this way and that someday, someone, somewhere will prove it. I don’t lose hope in the Utpoia that is a vision of a wonderful man. Gene Roddenberry saw what we all wanted to believe in as we grew up - when there was no hate - when the other children we played with had no color - at least not that mattered to us.
A few years ago Paramount said “no more Trek…” and a TV show and a movie franschise may have ended but a vision can never die. The vision that we can all - some day - as Rodney King once said, “just get along” will never die. I lived in LA when he said it. I lived there when the riots occurred. I had to stop and wonder - but then when I thought of the simplicity of what he said - if you stop and think about it - doesn’t it make sense? And it is so simple.
Can’t we all just get along?
I know, as I look forward to 2008, my resolutions will be simple - I will think of Gene and Rodney and pray that somehow, in all the death, wars, genocides, homophobia and more - that we look down deep within our souls and realize - it is simple - as simple as just “live and let live.”
Peace, love and light…
Kat
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11.21.07
Posted in Journal at 9:17 am by kat
Wow - it is Fall - it is the day before Thanksgiving. People are crowding the roads and airports and train stations and more. Reminds me of the movie, “Planes, trains and automobiles”, but I digress. Although I do wonder how many thousands will be stuck on the road in the next 48 hours - some in very odd situations just like the movie. I have to admit, in 25+ years of traveling the world, I have had my fair share of being stuck at airports, hotels, motels and more. One year I was stuck in a horrible hotel with only vending machines. We got snowed in over Thanksgiving. I could not get out and neither could the rest of us - even the staff had to stay overnight. Imagine the fun we had breaking into the vending machines to divide up what was left… Many a fond memory of microwave popcorn for dinner (and breakfast) for two days.
So why am I writing today? I guess to reflect on this past year. Ups and downs for myself and many others around the world. For friends, family and even my neighbors. Some who moved on, some who passed and others who simply gave up.
Mostly this year I will remember as being diagnosed with Cancer - again. This was the 2nd time in 8 years. And it got a bit worse. I will remember being forgotten by my now “ex” who forgot the day I started chemo and of course I will remember that day of starting it all - the poison entering my body - to kill another poison. Things are better - not cured, but better and that is all I care about. Each and every day I get just a little better.
Throughout this year my friends and family have never given up on me and have been there. I continue to make new friends and for all of this I give thanks. Thanks that my family is still around - my mother and father - married close to 60 years now - and still going strong. My sister and brother, whom I love dearly and do wish we saw each other more. And of course their families who are now my extended families. As the kids get older, well, it is strange to see one of them engaged and soon to be married. Am I really that old? I don’t feel it…
This 2nd year in Chicago has brought much success into my life and I am thankful for it all. I have many new friends and a beautiful home with my two loving kitties. I even had my first ever house warming/tarot/house concert party last weekend and it was a wonderful success. I am thankful for all these things.
And yet I sit back and look at the world around me - war, conflict, famine, genocide and so much sadness and hatred. And why? Do people really hate each other? Are religions really so hateful of other religions that they want to kill in the name of god? I don’t believe any of it. I believe governments contribute much to what we see - the anger and hatred of one government to another, but truly, the people and the anger they feel is fueled by these governments. Our own government has spent another year spreading anger, hatred and division all around the world - but when you look at the American people - they reach out to all those in need, from Iraq to Darfur. The PEOPLE do not hate the people - and they reach out with all they can. Just look at the number of organizations out there trying to help. Why can’t we get the governments to act like the Red Cross or other organizations - GIVE and stop taking - HELP and stop hurting… When will it end?
I was raised in a military family. I am proud of my father and mother for all they did. My father having enlisted in the end of WWII and went back into the private sector after that, but then a few years later, went back in to serve in all the wars after. He fought for this country and the freedoms we have today. I will always be thankful for all he did for this country. My mother served in her own way - a military wife raising children that had to move every few years to keep up. My mother and father are both true heroes just as those fighting in Iraq and around the world are heroes as well. Regardless of the administration they may be forced to fight for - they stand up for our country and sadly, have given up their lives for us all. Give them thanks - love, and all good wishes as we enter the holiday season. Regardless of how you feel about the war - it is not by choice that they are there - they are there because they stand up for our freedoms, even if G.W. is a moronic CIC, the members of the military deserve our love and respect. So, during your travels - walking through airports, train stations or where ever - the next time you see a military person in uniform - thank them. Thank them for all they have given in the 200+ years of history of this country. For I know I am one of the lucky ones - my father made it through the wars, and for that I am thankful. So many other families will not have a father or mother this year to share their holidays, because they gave their lives in protection of our freedoms. Although Bush and his administration may have taken some of our freedoms away, it is by no fault of our military personnel..
My heart and soul goes out to all those stationed around the world - may you find peace as another year comes to a closing chapter. May we somehow, in this place we call “Earth”, find peace in our hearts and love in our souls - and someday, perhaps, we will stop hating each other just for being different..
peace, love and light
Kat
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11.11.07
Posted in Journal at 8:39 pm by kat
Hmm, it’s been a while since I last wrote. Maybe because I am frustrated with a do-nothing Congress that won’t stand up to a failure of a president and his failed administration and policies. I sit back and watch a bunch of cowards (Congress) afraid to take a stand against an even bigger coward (Bush). Why won’t anyone just stand up to him and say, “No more money for your corporate friends and this stupid war!” Stop the funding, end the war. I wonder when the American people will wake up to the endless cost of this war? While defense contractors and the Blackwaters of the world rake in millions, our soldiers continue to die. While Bush makes an ass out of himself, his administration and the rest of this country, in the eyes of the world, thousands of civilians are dying. While we spend billions of dollars on an endless war, New Orleans and all over the Gulf states still struggles to rebuild - the economy is starting to go downhill and yet the rich continue to get richer because of this stupid war. My heart goes out to all those in the Military, their friends, family and loved ones for what they must endure. They are doing a job they were asked to do, regardless of the idiot commander in chief - and they are the true heroes. Bush is a coward for never having served and worse - for not funding the care that returning soldiers need and deserve! Why are WE - the public, not standing up and screaming at the top of our lungs as to the lack of treatments for all the returning heroes? Why are we not DEMANDING better care for all of them? We seem to have a very short attention span - a very limited memory of what is important in this country. Stand up and YELL! Say something? Ok, now on to something else?
Have you ever heard the saying, “Time Line?” Many people talk of a time line for a project or life and so much more. I have to disagree with this saying in the strongest way ? Time, is in no way, a line!
Time comes and goes, in twists, turns, circles, and so much more. We talk about the “Circle of Life” and then look at a time line - see - it just does not work.
My life and the time that has been a part of it has taken so many twists and turns I lost count. So I guess I will write about these twists and turns that we call life.
To be honest, I wonder if anyone reads these things, and after that - if they do, who really cares? But one thing I do know - we all have a lot in common - we all seem to experience the same twists and turns. I know in my life I have repeated mistakes - repeated patterns that brought me to this point in time. My relationships seem to mirror the ones before them and although the partners are different, the circumstances are similar. But the strange thing is that those who I have crossed paths with in life - their lives twists and turns follow similar patterns.
I know someone who continues to repeat a pattern of dating from the online personals. Regardless of the people she dates, the patterns are the same. Her twists mimic each twist from the past - and yet she continues. Another person I know, well hers is a pattern of more turns than any I have seen. The people in her life are all the same - in so many ways, and the funny thing is, she does not see it, but everyone around her does. I have known her for going on 10 years, and yet her life patterns - they are always the same, in each and every relationship. Sure, I have only mentioned two, but I could go on for hours - days even, on how many people repeat these patterns. And I am no different. I too repeat the patterns that have brought me here. This so called “Circle of life” seems to be like the Olympic rings - concentric circles that just keep repeating.
Sometimes though, the patterns break - even for a moment. I can look back at one or two in my life and realize they were “not the norm.” But those had their own nuttiness qualities to them. And you always remember the ones that are just a bit different and one thing I remember about mine - they were always short lived. I guess I consider those - the “speed bumps” in my life. They were relationships that simply slowed me down a little, and not much more. How many people experience the same bumps?
I have found myself again in another of these circles - just now walking away from it and wondering how I ever let myself get into it. How do you let yourself fall in love - when you say it will not happen again after the last time you were hurt? But then I looked and realized that it was simply the same twist - the same turn- that I had repeated several relationships before. They were concentric circles - connected and yet not. Each a different color, but so similar. Each as painful as the last. Each as filled with love as the previous. Each one leaving me wondering about this journey we call life.
As I continue to fight cancer - I know I am winning this battle - but I doubt I will ever win the battle against the twists and turns that make life what it is. I will never understand it - and yet I wonder if we are truly meant to? Perhaps not. Perhaps, as “they” say, life is a learning experience and the pain that we feel, the sadness and disappointment that comes into our lives is all about that experience - it truly is what is meant to be a mystery.
Namaste,
Kat
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09.27.07
Posted in Journal at 12:01 am by kat
They say (ok, there are those “they” people again… Someday I want to meet them, anyway…) that “life is what you make of it.” This is so true and lately, it seems as though life truly could not get more beautiful. I have friends that surround me with friendship and love and of course a family that has never stopped loving me or more importantly, supporting me. And now life has handed me another bonus - my CEA levels are DOWN!!
For those who know - I have been dealing with “C” for sometime now. It went from bad to worse several months ago. Chemo has been, shall we say, “fun.” I must admit, I do tarot readings for nurses and PA’s (I think that is the right abbreviation) when I am having my treatments and it is always fun. One my my nurses once said to me that she had been talking to a friend about me and said this, “We have this crazy woman who does not understand she is supposed to be wiped out after her treatments. She waits a while after we are done, and the heads off to some photography event or gala or who knows what - she simply doesn’t know when to quit!” Of course when she told me this, I could not stop smiling. Regardless of all this has done to me I was NOT going to let it get to me.
Recently however - a few weeks ago, another friend, well she tore into me. She told me how I was not doing what I needed to do, I had missed a couple of chemo sessions and I seemed to have already given up. In a way, perhaps in that brief moment - a 2-3 week period - I had. She woke me up to reality. In the past 3 weeks I have stuck to all my meds, treatments and positive attitude even more. I’ve changed my diet a bit and my friends see me out shooting events or even playing the drums or percussion at Uncommon Ground (every Monday - remember!?) Oh and my ex - the one I moved here with two years ago - is finally no longer a part of my life. (we had bought a condo, and well it was messy, but that is over with as well) . As all these things go on around me, a call from my doctor a few days ago simply said, “CEA is below 400!” And if you know cancer, well, I was at 1300 when this all started and after 2 surgeries, and all the treatments, it is below 400 and dropping!
WOO HOO!!!
They say, (yes, them again) that when life hands you lemons you make lemonade - well I have and I will continue to do so. I will stick to all I am doing and more importantly, the positive attitude that I have will see me through all of this.
Last night I shot another event - for CNOW (Chicago Chapter of NOW) and the women and men at this wonderful event continued to inspire and push me to be even better. I love you all - those that I see daily and those I only run into from time to time.
Chicago is an incredible city which has given me even more incredible opportunities. I know this blog entry sounds a little sappy, but I guess it is something I want to share, so I hope you will indulge me just a little more.
When I first moved here - I was in a bad place with a job I did not like and a relationship that was toxic. I fell into a pit that I never thought I would come out of. And then, the Gay Games appeared on the horizon and a new job offer popped up. I changed jobs - the relationship ended and she moved away - AND the Gay Games gave me an opportunity to be a part of something I could only have dreamed of. To all the organizers of the games and all the volunteers, photographers and more - THANK YOU for welcoming me into the fold of this great organization. And after all of this, a beautiful book has just been published of the incredible images of the games - but I will write about that more in another entry.
Fast forward to today - I host the Open Mic at Uncommon Ground every Monday now - surrounded by incredible musicians and talent - stop by sometime. I am surrounded by more friends than I have ever had , and even my music is filling my life in ways I did not imagine before. I was a part of two HRC galas, LCCP, Howard Brown Center, The Center on Halsted and more. I continue to shoot for Windy City Times and my photography is actually known around town. I have wonderful opportunities to meet celebrities from all walks of life as well as THE movers and shakers in the LGBT community. And now, on top of it all - the cancer is retreating!!!
Now, as I look back on the past 2 years - a difficult journey to say the least, but one that taught me much. I will continue to look forward - at all the beauty that life has to offer and be happier than I have ever been!
Life truly is Beautiful!
Peace, love and light,
Kat
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09.23.07
Posted in Journal at 12:00 am by kat
Perhaps some of you recognize the words in the title of this entry - from a song - from the world’s greatest poet - “Kermit the Frog.” And then again, perhaps not. In any case, it is from “It’s not easy being green.”
So why am I writing about that? I guess I was wondering why life is what it is, but mostly, why are people the way they are?
I am old enough to have been in a few relationships. Some good and some bad. Not much different than most people I am sure. We all have our stories. And yet, I wonder - why do some hold on to us? Or more correctly, why do we hold on to the past and the ones we thought we loved and some we simply walk away without a single thought?
And in addition, have you ever wondered why some become bitter - and angry - and why that anger turns to mean-ness? (is meanness a word?) I often find myself looking back at past relationships and wondering all of these questions. What could I have done differently? Should I have tried to save this relationship or that one, or should I have let it go? Was it my fault? Was it her fault? Was it anyone’s fault? Why are we always looking to place blame? And - why do the friends we once had as a couple - why must they choose sides?
I guess even in the straight world, as well as the LGBT world - all of these questions exist.
I don’t have the answers - as in most of my posts, I simply wonder - and ponder the meaning to it all. I will sit and wonder about these questions and more. I will look back on my past and try to answer some of the questions and yet others I will not even give a moments thought. And if I find any of the answers - perhaps I will post them - and then again, I doubt I will find these answers or so many more that I find myself wondering about in my daily meditations.
Namaste,
Kat
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09.02.07
Posted in Journal at 12:01 am by kat
The Norse Goddess Freyja is the goddess of creativity, love and beauty and she is known to explore the issue of Power through her connections with warring Aesir and peaceful Vanir. The Norse divided their gods and goddesses into two groups - the Vanir and the Aesir. To put it simply - the Vanir lived as one with the earth amd the Aesir first developed tools and weapons. Both the earth and the tools created become at odds - in a battle. As such the Vanir offered Freyja, their Goddess of beauty to bridge the gap between these two. She became the symbol of true power - power that lies within - the ability to choose between aggression and passivity at the right time. Sometimes when we consider the need to express power, we forget the best way to do it - we react instead of observing.
Who wields power? True power? Those who would lash out or those who step back to see the effect they have on those they touch? And who do we allow to have power over us? Is it a choice? I believe it is. I believe we allow some souls to hurt us - to use power in a way that causes us pain - emotionally or physically. Just as someone might hit us with a fist, causing a bruise or welt - those with power over our emotions cause unseen welts and bruises internal to us that take a much longer time to heal.
No matter how strong you are - no matter how thick the walls you have put up to protect yourself - no matter how guarded your feelings and emotions - there are those that we let in. Those that we allow the walls to come down for. We do this because, in a way, we allow them to use the power they have to bridge these walls - these barriers. And yet, if we are not careful, the same power they have can be used to inflict pain that causes wounds that can take a very long time to heal.
I wonder who has power over me? I am sure you wonder the same. Who has power over you? We have all found that there are those in our lives that have hurt us - from past relationships to friends - or people we once called friends. And sometimes, those who have hurt us have no idea what they have done. It amazes me that the power to hurt is sometimes so subtle, that, well, people simply don’t realize they possess it. And yet too, is it ourselves that have given them this power over us? Perhaps the power would have been lessoned if a small part of the walls we use to protect ourselves had stayed up.
I recently let down my walls. After a long period. I did so to someone who had no power over me at first, and the walls continued to fall. I let her in, to my emotional castle - and let the walls come down. My friends warned me. They told me not to. They told me to keep up my walls and walk away. I did not listen because I believed. I believed in the nature of things and the trust that this person instilled in me. It reminded me of a line in “Star Trek - Insurrection” (for those trekkers out there) when Donna Murphy’s character looked at Patrick Stewart standing outside her door and said, “I wonder if you realize how much trust you instill in those around you?” This person I let in had the same power over me. She instilled a trust that, well, I had not felt in a very long time. And even though I was warned byt so many, I let the walls down.
The power she held over me - that I allowed her to hold over me - to bring joy or pain - was great. I gave her that power because I shared with her my Goddess - Freyja - my Goddess of Beauty. I shared with her my inner soul - my inner self that I don’t let out to many. I opened up.
Today I hurt. The bruises - the welts - are deep. They will take a long time to heal. My walls are back up. I will not give anyone this power again - for a very long time. I will question those who attempt to get in. I will wonder their motives. All because I let someone have power over me - and perhaps through no fault of her own. She wielded a power over me that she was not aware of because I allowed her this power. I have not done this in years. Was I foolish? I don’t think so, but perhaps careless. The one thing I know is that the power we give to others can be great - and can cause deep, deep wounds. Some of these wounds may never heal and some just take time.
But perhaps it is really ourselves who wield the power - because it is us - it was me - that gave someone else the power to hurt me.
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